The Worst Looks A Washed Up Alumnus Can Have At Tailgate

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The Worst Looks A Washed Up Alumnus Can Have At Tailgate

There’s nothing wrong with going back to tailgate every now and then. It’d be wrong not to. But your triumphant return requires great responsibility, otherwise you’ll embarrass your friends, family and the institution that issued you that piece of paper after five years of hard work. Do us all a huge favor, you big dog alumn, and avoid taking part in any of the following.

Being The Drunkest Person There

We get it, dude. The group text was sucking your battery dry in the weeks leading up to this, and you’ve been leading the charge by telling everybody how hard you’re gonna go. But just because you talked a big game doesn’t mean you have to actually set the world on fire. Your boys aren’t going to be disappointed that you failed to get so hammered that they wouldn’t let you in the game. I promise. This life is all about overselling and under-delivering; how are we still having this conversation?

I’ve got a buddy in his mid-twenties who is a straight up pariah at tailgates. Nobody takes him seriously because he’s always pee-pants drunk two hours before kickoff. All the kids currently occupying our thousand dollar a semester boys club, otherwise known as a fraternity, know him by name because he blows through their tailgate like a category 5 hurricane. Any time a group of spoiled little frat turds have to issue an advisory because of your presence, you’re doing something very wrong.

Looking For Drugs

Do you really have that much to prove? If you thought having the drug stigma associated with you was bad in college, try being that guy working his first (possibly second) gig that people are hitting up for blow. Bad look. I can’t believe I’m having to write this, but every fall there’s that sketchy buddy of yours that can’t hang stumbling around asking 20-year-olds he’s never met for drugs. Imagine the blues that guy is going to have for the next week. Awful. Go see a psychiatrist and fake having ADHD like the rest of us, idiot.


One of the most dangerous combinations known to man is a recent grad on a dry-spell and a weekend back in his college town. After college, reality sets in and dick punches every dude who thinks their college game will translate to the pros. It’s a tough pill to swallow, and those that fail to evolve and step their game up will end up looking for every excuse to end up back in their college town. Such a sad look. It’s tough to see a guy you care about give up on the happy hour scene and put all of his eggs in the alumni trip basket. Guess what? It NEVER works out that way.

The dude going down there with a loaded cannon and six months of nothing more than a few matches on Tinder, Cummer, Bumble, Rubber, or whatever app isn’t complete garbage these days is just asking for trouble. And you being down there with him? You might find yourself being collateral damage. Why do fights happen? Because dirt balls like your boy creep on the wrong girl. Next thing you know you’re trying to diffuse a situation before he gets stomped out by the entire SAE chapter and you end up catching a haymaker from some kid named Tanner who’s trying to prove himself. Have fun explaining that one on Monday.


“You see, I started out as a junior analyst, and now I’m an associate.” – Some ass wipe, somewhere last weekend, probably.

I’m sure that half of the reason you went down to the alumni tent was to engage in a dick measuring contest, but at least wait until you’re prompted to start vomiting out your own personal elevator pitch. I understand that you’re very proud of yourself, and $53k is respectable for a kid only a couple years out of college. But don’t be the guy that hangs out at the old frat tent preaching about his own personal successes like he’s goddam Tony Robbins. These kids don’t care about anything, and they especially don’t give a flying fuck about the bonus you’re on track to bring home. If you were really “killin’ it,” you’d be out riding jet skis on the lake instead of showing up at every other home game and talking about how your firm offers full 401k matching.

Vulturing Beers

Hey, you fuck. Way to show up to the tailgate with a big bag of nothing. Did you really think it’d be cool just to stop by and raid the YETI coolers? Even though nobody will say anything, you’re going to be labeled the cheap bastard until the end of time. Don’t you make “good money” now? Bring a handle of Deep Eddy, for God’s sake. If you find yourself bringing nothing to the table, at least offer to Venmo somebody.

Charging The Frat House

There’s a major difference between checking in on the house to see how things are going and charging the house after the bar to see if there’s a late night going on. If you disagree, you have a serious problem that will require an intervention and months of counseling to overcome. You think those little pricks wanna see you and your gangly crew of balding bros in business casual walk up at 2:30 a.m.? The answer is no. They’ll be nice because they want you to share a little bit of that wealth you alluded to having, but deep down they’d like to tell you to fuck off and go to bed.

Remember, less is more in these situations. Don’t be afraid to be low-key and fly under the radar.

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