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The Worst Business Ideas Ever – Part 2

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We’re back. After the outpouring of love and respect we received from the first batch, we had to come back with more. These are all real submissions by you, the loyal reader. Respect the hustle.

Uber Just Did This

My buddy wants to start a business called Rent-a-Puppy. You call them and a puppy gets delivered to you for you to have for whatever occasion: you are sad, trying to pick up girls, or maybe you just fucking love puppies. Seems awesome. Logistically though, it is a complete nightmare. What do you do with the puppies once they are grown?

I consider myself pro-puppy, and the idea that some doucher would be trolling around a dog park with a rental upsets me. During my last year of law school, they started bringing services dogs to campus during finals to ease everyone’s anxiety. I don’t know if you’ve been around law students during finals, but they’re some of the most repulsive people on the planet. Anyway, I found myself petting a golden retriever while a line of students waited for their turn to creep out this poor dog. It was like this dog was a wise old sage issuing advice to loyal followers one at a time. The whole thing felt odd. Granted, I was on the backside of a Vyvanse bender, so the dog could probably sense that I was in poor shape. I guess what I’m saying is don’t rent puppies because people get weird.

Polar Bears And Drugs

One of my college buddies often got drunk and made incredibly stupid business pitches. His first: a polar bear hunting ranch.
“Imagine how cheap shitty ice covered land in Alaska is. What if I bred a bunch of polar bears, released a few into the wild as a conservation measure, and sold the rest to be hunted by rich douchebags? Genius huh?”

Another great business idea courtesy of CEO Dipshit: ‘The Drug Cruise’.
He wanted to buy a cruise ship and keep it in international waters. Drugs would be grown/manufactured on board, and people would be ferried out on smaller boats to engage in week long benders without fear of repercussions. He was pissed when I told him about New Orleans and Vegas.

Hope these are of use.

I feel like there would be a lot of red tape involved with breeding polar bears, and “shitty ice covered land in Alaska” is probably more expensive than CEO Dipshit is anticipating. Oh, and polar bears are endangered, so there’s that. Now, the drug cruise? Aside from the monumental amount of liability associated with selling drugs in the ocean — and doing so far enough out so as to be in international waters — I feel like this would be one of those ventures where you could never step foot on U.S. soil again.

Doooon’t Caaaare

Hello PGP!

First rounds were hilarious! Here is a terrible business idea my lazy friend had after being ‘encouraged’ to wear a fitbit for better health insurance rates at her company.

The “I don’t give a shit bit”

Essentially this is works exactly how it sounds. You can log your inactivity, and specify exactly how many hours of netflix you watched. She even went further and had a food consumption feature that would give awards to friends who ‘ordered the most pizzas in one week’

She also tried to justify this piece of technology further by saying ad companies could use info all of the info logged in the ‘I don’t give a shit bit’.

She rambled for about two more hours on her brilliant idea, I’m sure she would be happy to tell you all about the future plans she has if you need more information.

Love this. I’ve been looking for a way to track how much I Cutler each day. If this thing could track how many emails I neglect to respond to each day, then I think this thing could get off the ground.

MVP Treatment

Had a friend “JY” tell me was going to study to be an orthodontist and then put a TV in front of each of the booths to steal a
page from Sports Clips’ book. This was his ticket. In a shocking twist, he didn’t follow through with the high dollar idea. The devil’s lettuce may or may not have been involved.

As an occasional recipient of the MVP, the idea of using the groundbreaking formula of Sport Clips (Sports + Hair = Party) seems legit. I literally watched women’s college basketball while I received a somewhat average haircut just last week. Not sure how easy it would be to enjoy a game while some dude is digging around in your mouth for half an hour.

Eskibros

As we were sitting downtown at the bar one drunken Thursday night with quite a few of my fraternity brothers, talking about who hooked up with this girl and that girl, one of them comes up with a brilliant idea for a new website. The idea behind the website is finding out who your fellow Eskimo brothers are in Greek Life, the university, the state, etc. After hooking up with a girl, you go to the website (after A LOT of drunken debate, they decided it would be called “EskiBROS”) and enter said girls name. The website then gives you a list of people that you are Eskimo brothers with in the area. It was basically a great way to track down a long line of STDs.

Have your privacy violated #LikeAGirl. I’m done. Shut it down. Let’s go home.

Submit your own terrible business ideas by emailing me.

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Dave

Lawyer. Writer. Dude doing business. I'm the meatloaf guy from tv.

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