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The Workday Birthday Is The Worst Kind Of Birthday

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Your birthday is the most sacred day on your calendar every year. When you were younger, you could do anything you wanted–maybe you even felt like a D-list celebrity. Unfortunately, this is no longer the case once you enter the real world.

You Can’t Go Out

Unless you have a job where you can still get stuff done despite being exhausted and hungover, you’re most likely not going out on your birthday as an adult. You’re old and being out after 10:30 on a work night seems impossible. Gone are the days of rocking all night and partying every day.

Nobody Cares

Unlike your undergrad days when everyone celebrated your birthday, your coworkers really don’t care you were born. They have deadlines. They have real work, and they don’t care about the entry-level new guy’s birthday.

You Don’t Get Cake Unless You’re Important

Execs get cake. Managers get cake. Entry-level employees do not get cake. That’s just how it is–your coworkers aren’t going to buy you a cake when they don’t even know what you do for a living. If you can’t give them a raise or a promotion, it doesn’t matter to them. Also, your gratitude has as much value as a Zimbabwe dollar.

Gifts

The year you stop getting money in birthday cards always turns out to be the same year you need money more than ever. Your family may send you some much-appreciated birthday gifts, but your friends won’t buy you more than a shot at the bar. As we’ve covered, assuming you’ll get a gift from your coworkers is just delusional thinking.

You Still Have To Work

It’s your birthday? Cool. You’re still expected to work the full day just like any other day. You can’t just run around the office announcing it’s your birthday like a kid on Christmas. No, you’re going to sit your ass in that chair and type shit on your computer until at least 5 p.m.

If your work has a work environment where the things I listed never happen and birthdays are still cherished, you may send me an email with your company’s job openings.

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