One of spring’s greatest certainties is the dread that emerges when you realize that you may have to buy an entirely new summer wardrobe after months of hibernation binging. Between the bender that is December and ignoring the gym through January for fear of looking like one of those New Year’s Resolutioners, my body has been on an emotional rollercoaster with the harshest realization coming when I went to buy a tuxedo. I tried it on and had to go back to the rack for another size once I realized I’m no longer the svelte man I used to be.
I’ve got one of the biggest wedding seasons of my life ahead of me in 2016. It’s going to be an absolute marathon, beginning with my best friend’s wedding in June (best man duties, what up?) and my sister’s wedding in October, both of which I’m going to have to prepare speeches for. If I expect to be properly peacocking come June, I need to clean it up. Which is why I’ve got some steps to go through in order to ensure I’m firing on all cylinders.
(And if you think this involves working out, you’re bananas.)
Tailor, Tailor, Tailor
Everyone knows that the best pick-up line is a tight pair of Dockers. Much like magic show can’t be successful without some smoke and mirrors, a skinny-fat guy’s body can’t look good without some top-dollar tailoring. I can’t have my shirt bunching in the back and my pants dragging on the ground. Sloppy is as sloppy does. Yeah, even though you dress a monkey in silk, it’s still a monkey. But guess what? That silk-wearing monkey is looking baller as hell compared to all the other monkeys, isn’t it?
Besides, I’m already going to have my tailor taking the pleats out of the pants I’m supposed to wear when I’m best man. With the path that I’m going down, I might as well just have him take all the fabric and make me some custom chinos in the weeks leading up to the main event to ensure everything is on point. But I’m just going to ruin them on the dance floor anyway, so what’s the use in worrying about all of this in the first place?
Trick question. It’s so I look awesome when I’m giving my best man speech. Next.
No dinner means I get drunk faster which means I drink less which means I’m skinny in no time. I inadvertently did this through summer 2014 and lost 8 pounds in all the right places. I hadn’t looked that good since spring 2012 when I spent the majority of my winter throwing weights around in the gym just to prove to myself that I could. Does skipping Friday/Saturday/Sunday dinners sound insanely unhealthy/frowned upon by most panhellenic organizations? Yeah, maybe it does, but hear me out.
If I skip a 1,000 calorie dinner and replace that with just ten 96 calorie vodka sodas, I’m essentially not even going out. They cancel each other out like a well-balanced Mitt Romney budget. Men lie, women lie, but numbers never lie. You simply can’t argue numbers so skipping dinners is a no-brainer.
Dieting isn’t all physical; it’s also a mentality. I’m not afraid to admit that I’m not the most desirable in my current state. That’s why we’re here in the first place.
The only way to counteract this is to treat the period between now and wedding season like the abstaining NFL players treat the week leading up to the Super Bowl: as a means to an end, where I’ll approach every wedding this summer with the tenacity of Scott Disick making a club appearance. I have to maintain my edge. I have to have a goal. I have to be “Hungry Like The Wolf.”
If I want to look like the Sistine Chapel, I need to be Michelangelo and paint this motherfuckin’ ceiling. No one looks good pale. No one. Bronzed skin and some lightened hair takes an easy ten pounds off and immediately takes the conversation from “Oh, he doesn’t look so great,” to, “Where’ve you been vacationing?”
If I take a spring skiing trip? Going goggles around the neck. Sunroof? Always open. Have my girlfriend douse me in self-tanner should cloud cover keep me from doing me? That’s purely if I’m in dire straits. Pre-wedding golf? Driving head out in the cart like I’m Ace Ventura.
…and if all else fails?
The “Old Man Body” Diet
Former Sunday Scaries contributor and current Post Grad Problems contributor Old Man Body has a foolproof system for keeping trim as a man on the go.
Banana for breakfast, protein bar for lunch, small meal for dinner. Vodka only. I mean, everyone knows that you know don’t get the nickname “Old Man Body” without being in peak physical condition. Jason Dufner’s body resembles that of an aging 70-year-old and look at him. He’s winning tournaments and probably ignoring “you up?” texts from Amanda who wants a taste of the glory again.
Now let’s get to work. .
Image via YouTube