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The Ultimate Hookup Horror Story: My Friend Had A Threesome With Meth Heads

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Threesomes have always been a foreign concept to me. I’m not sure why, be it because I’ve just never really felt that urge, or because I am the one with all the orifices, but I’ve just never really understood the fantasy behind all those flailing body parts.

However, I have a friend, who, for the sake of anonymity has asked to be referred to as “Blackhawk.” Why he requested to be called that, I have no idea.

Blackhawk and I have the kind of friendship that knows no bounds. We talk about everything–mainly just things that you think about, but generally keep in the sock drawer of your brain, away from your mother.

For the last year, I have heard Blackhawk speak of the trials and tribulations of his third party search, which is coincidentally much like searching for sales leads. Some cold calls, a few referrals, more nos than yeses, and someone backing out at the last minute: a general crapshoot, with no pun intended.

Then, last weekend happened.

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I talked to Blackhawk today, so he is, in fact, alive. I can also assure you he goes into Ruby Tuesday every Saturday night with a pit in his stomach that not even the NEW Big Dipper Sampler can fill–always watching, always wondering, always hard (I mean, apparently), and always waiting for somebody’s father to bust through the door and kill him for banging his wife better than he can.

*Names changed to protect the violated.

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Kelly Kapowski

Kelly is a recently unemployed post-grad who quit her job in advertising. After spending much of life maintaining '90s heart throb status, she is now spending much of her time trying to figure out how she's going to pay next month's rent. Much like her time spent on "Saved by the Bell," Kelly still hates pants.

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