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The Types of Girl Friends Your Girlfriend Has

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Girls run in packs like carnivorous African wild dogs (literal bitches), everyone knows that. In the case of girls, while each person is certainly their own unique individual, there are certain archetypal friends that you will notice most girls you date will have. Some of them are good, some of them are bad, and some of them are just confusing. Here’s a few of them, and tips on how to spot them/deal with them.

The Nemesis

You have no idea what you did, but for some reason this girl just fucking hates you. Maybe you accidentally called her by the wrong name once, and she never forgave you for it. Maybe the guy your girlfriend dated before you was super nice to her. Hell, maybe she’s secretly in love with your girlfriend, and resents that you’re in the position she wants. The why isn’t important, all that matters is that she despises you. Oh sure, she’s relatively amiable towards you whenever you’re all hanging out together, but basically everything she does is an attempt to sandbag you. If your girlfriend is starting to worry about something related to your behavior, she’ll be the first one to suggest that you’re cheating on her. She will convincingly argue that you’re an overreacting asshole every time you and your girlfriend have an argument. Basically all of your behavior will be twisted by her for the sole purpose of getting you out of the picture. I have no advice for you concerning her, all I can do is wish you good luck.

The “Doesn’t Understand Why She’s Single” Girl

Oh man, this girl is just an emotional landmine in so many ways. She’s always bouncing around from guy to guy, and each one is allegedly going to be the one. You’ve seen this movie too many times to think it’s going to end well. The truth is, this girl is crazier than a rabid badger dropped into the middle of a comic book convention. She’s either got terrible taste in guys, and all of them end up being bad news for her, or she just goes so damn nuts so fast that she chases off anyone promising who might’ve been there. Your girlfriend’s not an idiot, she probably knows that a lot of things are her friend’s fault, but you have to remember, people have blinders on when it comes to their friends (including you). So where you see a girl that is just totally batshit and beyond help, she sees an old, dear friend who just has shitty luck with dating. It is advisable that you keep yourself as far removed from all involvement as possible. Never try to tell your girlfriend that her friend is a crazy person. They don’t like it when you do that.

The Bad Influence

This is often one of her old college friends who doesn’t live in the same city as you. It’s always a somber day when you hear from your girlfriend that she’ll be visiting. This girl has a weird influence over your girlfriend. The girl you’re dating might usually be a sweet, responsible person normally, but when Bad Influence Chick comes in town, she flips a switch. Nothing wrong with getting drunk, especially since you do it all the time, but she doesn’t just get your girlfriend hammered, she turns her into a drunken, hair pulling, bouncer-swearing-at mess. She’ll probably talk your girlfriend into having a threeway with you. Do not fall for this, I repeat, REBUFF THE THREESOME ATTEMPTS. Your girlfriend is drunk, and in a weirdly suggestible state at the moment, and there’s no chance in hell that it will end well for you. So suck it up, think with the right head for once, and go sleep on the couch, or better yet, at your buddy’s house.

The Constant Flirt

These girls are hard to nail…down (definitely not hard to nail). She’s always the most touchy feely of your girlfriend’s group. Hell, half the time, she’s more touchy with you than your own girlfriend is. You’re never completely sure, but you always have the suspicion that she’s trying to seduce you. Now there are a lot of possible reasons for this. She could just be a naturally flirtatious person, and has no idea that she’s coming across this aggressive. She could be testing you. Girls love to think that they have their friends’ backs, and one of the best ways they can practice this concept is by proving that the guy their friend is with is secretly a terrible person. So she’ll see if you’re willing to give into the temptation, and then boom, your dick is stuck in her metaphorical trap. Then of course there’s always the possibility that she’s just a sleazy person who is fine with boning her friend’s boyfriend, and she’s actually trying to get you to throw it in. I’m always of the opinion that your personal choices should be your own, but I’ll definitely think you should take every opportunity to talk yourself out of that particular plan.

The One You Can Actually Trust

Cynical list so far, right? I know, I tend to go that way. Shitty people are funnier to talk about than nice people. The good thing, though, is that most girls have great friends that you can trust. Trust takes a lot of forms. There’s the simplicity of planning a surprise party with them, and getting their input on what your girlfriend would want as a gift. There’s also a more nuanced form of trust, where you get to know them enough that you can trust them to have your back when you aren’t there. There might be times that your girlfriend is freaking out about something you did (or she thinks you did), and those are the times you need her trustworthy friends the most. If you’re a good guy, they’ll know it, and you can count on them to graciously argue on your behalf, because they know that you’re overall a benefit to their friend’s life. Just don’t fuck up, because the next worse thing after disappointing your girlfriend is letting down her friends who stood up for you.

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Randall J. Knox

Randall J. Knox (known colloquially to his friends as "Knox") left his native Texas a few years ago, and moved to Los Angeles in his '03 Buick Regal named LeRoi to write movies with his jackass college buddies. His favorite things in life include bourbon that's above his pay grade, mix CDs, and Kevin Costner films. He isn't sure what "dad jeans" are exactly, but he knows he wants a pair.

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