The Truth About A Woman’s Pre-Hookup Routine

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The Truth About A Woman's Pre-Hookup Routine

There are a lot of articles out there right now about what a girl does before the notorious “date five.” If you’re unfamiliar with the expectation of Date Five you obviously have not seen the cinematic masterpiece that is Friends with Benefits starring Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake. Basically, Date Five means hitting a home run, sealing the deal, and finally having sex. For some girls, this is actually Date Three, maybe Date One, or maybe you’ll be lucky to see the inside of her apartment after a month-and-a-half. You poor bastard.

Basically, a lot of writers have been out there shattering the illusions of what girls do to prepare for some naked time. And I want in.

No girl is that beautiful, messily curled and coifed vixen that opens the door with a “Hey you,” in her Free People (that means really expensive and lacy, boys) slip dress. Ask a delivery man. Delivery men have seen some dark shit. They’ve seen us in the ripped “Relay for Life” tee and US Army sweat pants with Proactiv dotted on our faces while we shove twenties at them and grunt for our Dominos like it’s a hostage situation. They know.

If you’ve ever wondered what she’s doing for three-to-five hours prior to the first time you’re coming over for “that kind of date,” I’m here to ruin it for you. If you want keep the image of her taking a sultry, candle lit bubble bath while listening to Fleetwood Mac instead, then don’t read any further. Ignorance can be your naive bliss. You’ve been warned.

It takes a whole lot of body work.

If I know there’s a possibility that someone is going to be that close to my skin, I am going to be smelling like freshly baked dessert in a damn meadow. This means soaking in a bath and showering because you cannot accomplish the same things in one that you can in another. I am coming out of the bathroom after two or more hours smooth like a countertop, lotion-ed like I’m trying to be human Slip-And-Slide, and made up like I’m walking the runway with Karlie Kloss and trying to out-glam her. That hair that looks “easy”? That took 45 minutes. And even though you think you like a girl with no makeup, you should know she has at least five things on her skin alone, and it probably took two mascaras to make her eyelashes do that.

Iliza Shelsinger said it perfectly when she said that girls will “do their hair, their makeup and shave their big toe.” You are going to talk about how good I smell and how soft my skin is, and if you don’t I’m going to cry in the shower in the morning with a beer. That’s just the way it is.

My apartment is never that clean.

It’s not like I live in squalor or anything, but no, I don’t normally have eighteen scented candles going at one time. Where do you think you are, Anthropologie? I just understand the need for forgiving lighting and aromatherapy, you caveman! And yeah, my carpet smells awesome, and that would be because I hadn’t vacuumed in, like, two weeks, so I basically just used a whole thing of OxiClean on it so you wouldn’t think less of me. You’re welcome for changing the sheets, too. Found some stale popcorn and enough bobby pins to make top buns for the entire lineup of the Rockettes, so that’s what you can expect when I get comfortable around you.

I never wear this bra unless I think I’m getting some.

Sports bras and bralettes forever. Seriously, the lace on this thing is itchy, and while I know that it makes my rack look fantastic, I’m really excited about you taking it off because that means I’m getting laid and my boobs will be free from boob jail.

Every girl has some “Getting the D” underwear that doesn’t see the light of day unless she’s going for exactly that. And every girl reading right now is nodding and thinking about those matching sets in every girl’s sex drawer in her color arsenal (red, black, and pink) right now. If you think your hookup chick is trolloping around in that push up bra when you don’t see her, you clearly haven’t spent enough time around girls who don’t care if you’re looking at their chest or not. Seriously, underwire bras are the devil.

I never drink your favorite beer after sex; I just want to look cool.

“Jeeze, I could really just go for a Blackfoot IPA right now. Want one?”

Oh, she just casually had the craft beer you love most lingering in her fridge next to the Butoni and leftover pizza? Please. That was completely calculated in an effort to look like the unicorn “cool girl” that we’re all supposed to be. If/when she comes back with beers in hand wearing a baseball hat that just happens to be sporting where you went to college and just HAPPENS to suggest you Netflix your favorite show? Yeah, that wasn’t a coincidence either. Come on. Take off your sex blinders and stay alert because there’s no hiding crazy forever.

Image via Shutterstock

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