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The True American’s Guide To Partying On The Fourth Of July

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The Fourth of July falls on a Friday this year. That means you’ve got three full days to celebrate freedom, so you better be prepared to push your body to the limit. If you have to work on the fourth, fifth, or sixth, quit your job and figure things out later. Fuck it. I didn’t say these were necessarily “good” tips, but tips they are, nonetheless.

Dress Appropriately

Too cool to wear red, white, and blue? Then you better have a good excuse, like needing to air out a vintage Van Halen T-shirt that happens to be other colors. That doesn’t mean you can’t top it off with a stars and bars bandana. It’s good form to be festive. If you want to show up to a Fourth of July barbecue in a green golf shirt or some shit, maybe you should just stay home by yourself like you probably do on Halloween when everyone else is out having fun.

“But I’m an adult! I don’t want to look stupid.”

Yeah, good luck with that, Mr. Maturity. Boring.

Don’t Save Yourself To Get Laid

There are plenty of other opportunities to chase snizz or man junk. Save your brakes for a random Friday. Plus, if somebody’s going to mush their private freedom on yours, that person probably already decided that he or she wanted it sometime or another within the first few minutes of meeting you. It’ll happen either way at some point.

What happens if you “take it easy” for the whole day because you’re so sure the Susie Creamcheese that you just met is aching to frost your cupcake, but then her boyfriend shows up and your good time was curbed because of it? Nuts to that mess. Just get bonkers and let the chips lie. Same goes for babes. Stick with this attitude, and maybe you’ll find someone just as sloppy as you are in the end to make a two person pig pile with in an alley or a stranger’s open garage.

Eat Big

Go ahead and get yourself a big, old plate after no more than two drinks when you arrive at your party place. Otherwise, you might forget to eat at all, or end up shaking Doritos crumbs into your mouth from the empty bag when it’s all that’s left. Eating big early on guarantees that you can enjoy the food, and will give you the fuel to last all day. I subscribe to two brats, a helping of potato salad, and whatever else will fit on the plate. I just heap the fucker. Then I’m good until it’s time to fish through my buddy’s freezer around 3 a.m. for a Tombstone, or devour the container of store-bought chocolate cookies that no one touched because they were left in a corner of the kitchen under an empty 12-pack.

Water

On July 3, get your hydration levels to max capacity. This will help the “a truck ran over my soul” feeling when you…

Wake Up On The Floor Of A Strange Place

I don’t drink and drive, but I will drive and then drink after I’ve reached my destination. It’s a very freeing feeling to know you’re locked in until the next day. The majority of my friends live in Los Angeles, but it’s tradition for us to celebrate at my buddy Nate’s in Venice. That’s a $60 Uber each way, and a floor is free. Last year I took some egg crate foam, tore two holes in it, and wrapped myself like a burrito. It stopped me from sustaining any sort of drunken sleep injuries, like a protective sleeping bag suit of security. While I don’t expect you to have egg crate foam at your disposal, I’m giving you an option if you do. Besides, if you’ve done the Fourth of July right, a rolled-up jacket and a hardwood floor should do you just fine once every last drop of alcohol has been consumed. Which will probably happen, because…

People Don’t Bring Enough Booze

“But, there’s gonna be a keg!” Well, that’s getting drunk if a keg is deemed worthy in the first place. Don’t just show up with a six-pack of some shitty Twisty Tea or a “good” six-pack. Acceptable amounts include:

• A fifth of something hard and good.

• A handle of cheap vodka.

• A 12-pack of domestics AND a decent sixer.

• A case of decent domestics (Bud, Coors Light, etc.) or a dirty 30 of cheap domestics (Busch, Old Style, PBR, etc.).

AS ALWAYS, HAVE PLENTY OF ICE.

If everyone was thoughtful enough to bring a $2 bag of ice to every party, the world would be a better place.

Don’t Get Drunk and Light Fireworks While Sitting On A Roof

Did that for the last time. A pack of Black Cats went off in my hand, rendering it numb. I thought I blew it off and was afraid to look. Almost made me faint, fall off the roof, and die. So, don’t do that. Once, my friends and I lit a thing of bottle rockets off inside a screened-in porch. Aside from some singed clothes and ringing ears, we were totally fine with no casualties. Life lessons.

Drugzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Fuck it, do some drugs. It’s the Fourth of July, when forbidden freedoms are the sweetest. I do mushrooms once a year on the Fourth of July around 5 p.m. It gives me a moment to go lie down in the grass and laugh like an idiot while I stare at trees, and it gives me a new perspective on the party when I rejoin everyone after I’ve mellowed out. It’s also a good time for an ice water break.

Cornhole

Whether you call it “bags” or “cornhole,” it’s not a true American celebration of independence without it. If you don’t have a set, call a buddy who does and make sure he brings it. Friendly competition is a great substitute for boring conversation.

Bring Something Homemade

Whether it’s a nice pasta salad or a booze drink, a homemade item shows your host that you’re grateful he or she opened his or her home to you. I make “ ’Merican Fuck Juice.” It’s a punch that I make with fresh juice, booze, other boozes, and some booze. Special recipe.

Stay safe and don’t die, kids. USA!

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Mike Burns

Mike Burns is a comedian, author, and writer of television. He was born in Saginaw, MI and lives in Los Angeles, via Chicago via New York. Mike graduated from Michigan State University with a degree in Advertising that he threw in the trash. He's also the creator of @DadBoner and the author of "Power Moves: Livin’ The American Dream, USA Style by Karl Welzein."

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