I’m not going to lie to you: I’ve had my fair share of one night stands. After several years of being in monogamous relationships, I found myself as a single pringle in a new city with my fair share of wild oats to sow. And I’m also not going to lie about the fact that I’m not really into apologizing for being a fan of the ol’ wham, bam, thank you ma’am.
Sometimes you just need sex. You don’t need someone to get bagels with on a Wednesday or someone to start watching Psych with, just someone to get in, get the job done, and then GTFO. Just because they don’t happen to be someone you could picture at Seder with Grandma Roberta doesn’t mean they aren’t someone you couldn’t get weird with for four hours.
But there are rules to one night standing. Follow them, and everything will go smoothly (especially if you remembered to shave your legs). Choose to break them, and you’re probably going to end up half-naked running out of an apartment with the alarm blaring during your 4 a.m. sneak out.
1. Thou Shalt Not Blackout.
Listen, I understand that it takes a certain amount of courage to go out and bang a rando – but is suuuuper drunk sex ever really that awesome? Nobody worth having sex with is going to go home with the girl or the guy slurring on the otherwise empty dance floor about how underrated Step Up 2 was. Do you want to run the risk of puking on them or losing your keys/phone/all of your dignity in their kitchen and having to wake them up to help you search for your stuff? Go ahead and get tipsy, but don’t risk not remembering where you are the next day. It’s not safe, and it’s not cute.
2. Thou Shalt Not Stalk Them Online.
I get it. It’s a natural instinct these days. But this is someone you are using purely for sex. If you stalk them online and find the pictures of them doing relief work for hurricane victims or CRUSHING it at their indoor soccer league they go from being a way to scratch an itch you had, to an actual person. Want to start to develop feelings for someone whose last name you didn’t even know before you Facebook searched their phone number? This is a great way to accomplish that, and also, your crazy will start to show.
3. Thou Shall Always Practice Safe Sex.
This is a no brainer. You have no idea what was on top of that brunette before you sidled on up to them bar side and asked them to do a kamikaze with you. Wrap it up, pal. Wrap it up.
4. Honor Their Space As You Would Have Them Honor Yours.
I once had a one night stand ask to use my shower, and while this bastard was scrub-a-dubbing, he decided it would be appropriate to open and use my brand new shampoo. The shower thing was already bizarre enough, and he just had to overstep one inch further and make it officially awful. Not cool, bro. Resist the urge to get nosy and just don’t invade their personal space. This is not the time to get all weird and start going through cabinets and drawers. This is the time to pee and either go back to them, or go home.
5. Thou Shall Check Yourself Before Thou Wrecks Yourself.
Okay. So the Uber is on it’s way, you’ve pounded that last BudLight Lime, freshened up the BB cream, and you’re ready to rock. Not so fast, sister. (Or brother. Hey if you use BB cream as a dude no judgements, you do you.) Take a step back and make sure you actually want to do this. Does he actually look like a young Kevin Bacon or did Kenny Rogers just come on in the bar and you got distracted? Are you really horny or would you rather just get Doritos and watch 30 Rock in bed? Because no shame if you do! Just reassess the situation before you get into a Prius being driven by Darrell and head 45 minutes from your own home and have to hitch hike back in heels.
6. Thous Shalt Not Commit Adultery.
Just make sure whoever you’re going to get naked with is single, okay?
7. Thou Shall Leave Your Inhibitions At The Door.
This is not the time to be worried about how your stomach looks in that position or what you sound like. This is the time to do whatever you want and not be afraid to tell them what you want. Don’t be the insecure one night stand; they can see it on your face, and you just ruined the moment. As long as everyone is consenting and into it, you literally cannot lose, so lighten up and have some fun.
8. Thou Shalt Not Get Freaky With A Friend.
This will not be a one night stand. No way. This will either be all of your other friends finding out and pressuring you to “do something about it” or a really quick way to ruin an already perfectly good relationship. A one night stand is someone you have the choice of never seeing again, not someone you’re going to road trip to Vancouver with in three months. It’s going to seem easy and like a good idea, but you’re wrong. And trust me, you probably don’t want to know what your buddy’s sex face is. That’s something you cannot un-see.
9. Thou Shalt Not Be A Pillow Princess
Don’t make them do all of the work unless you like having people shit talk your boudoir skills at brunch the next day. Participate or go home to those Doritos, capisce? Capisce.
10. Thou Shall Know When To Leave.
Whether you have a mandatory check out time or you do the oh-so-subtle “wake up and start loudly doing the dishes” charade, it is okay to tell someone to get out of your house. And if you’re the guest? Know when to take a hint. Don’t make them pretend to be asleep so they don’t have to say goodbye – just fucking go. No one should have to Jon Hamm in Bridesmaids you. Be a grown up. Get your stuff and go home to your own shower. .
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