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The Sunday Scaries Panic Room Shopping List

This is a recurring PGP series. Catch up with all installments of Worse Weekends Than You by visiting the archive. Email your stories to will@grandex.co.

The Sunday Scaries Panic Room Shopping List

You’ve been in a Panic Room before. You’ve seen my Panic Room before. Hell, you’ve probably sent me a photo of your own Panic Room at this point. This isn’t new. Having a quarter-life crisis every Sunday around 4 p.m. is as much a part of your routine as sending out a “what are we getting into tonight?” text around 2 p.m. on a Friday while you have a fake spreadsheet up on your office desktop.

If you haven’t already invested in your panic room – which is essentially just investing in yourself – it’s time to throw away your high school gym shorts and those ratty t-shirts you’ve pitted out since college. This isn’t something to be taken lightly, so mix these into your rotation. Lord knows you need it after failing to mix in waters all day Saturday.

Patagonia Baggies + Patagonia Capilene Boxers

Where I once stood firmly on a pair of Patagonia Baggies, I’ve not transitioned to going full freedom by adopting the Patagonia Capilene Boxers. Yes, Baggies are perfect for a Whole Foods hot bar run, but the boxers come into play when you’re full and feel like sitting in a cloud of silk. You’re going to want to make sure you have a blanket around, though, because it’s entirely possible your dingy falls out when you’ve reached hangover nirvana. These things happen when you’re just. that. chill.

Oversized T-Shirts

Sundays are for sizing up. Someone once told me, “Will, you call yourself bloated a lot for being a dude.” I’m not going to apologize for that for several reasons: it’s 2017, I’m a co-host of the most transparent podcast in the world, and being bloated isn’t something one should fester within. RVCA’s new garment dyed long sleeve takes care of my insecurities, especially when I’ve set my air conditioning to a cool 68 degrees and there’s a vintage Vornado fan blasting in my face.

Melatonin Gummies

The worst part about Sundays is having to admit that your weekend is actually over. Saying you’re “going to sleep” is one thing, but actually falling asleep is another. Scoop a 90-count of melatonin gummies and drift into some night terrors while you fall asleep with your phone in your hand. That Netflix will turn itself off once it realizes you aren’t actually watching anymore, and you’ll thank yourself when you wake up after a full night’s rest for work the next day.

10-Foot Phone Charger

If you spend too much time on your left shoulder because you’re scrolling Instagram in bed, you’re probably burdened by the stock charger iPhone sends you with your new iPhone. Fixing your shattered screen is a bitch, but upgrading your charger is a must when it comes to rolling over and scrolling from the other side. A 10-foot charger is a minor cost when it comes to your freedom.

Yeti 30-Ounce Rambler

Your hungover drink schedule probably looks as follows:

– 8 a.m. Anything you can find that isn’t a water bottle filled with vodka.
– 11 a.m. Mimosas.
– 3 p.m. Ice water.
– 6 p.m. Sauvignon Blanc on ice to get back to even.
– 8 p.m. Ice water after you realize you can’t be hungover the next day.

Keep it cool all day with a 30-ounce Yeti that will keep your ice frozen even until you wake up at 3 a.m. on Monday morning dreading the office.

Outdoor Voices Joggers and Sunday Shorts

The worst thing to happen to Patagonia was Outdoor Voices coming along and stealing their Panic Room business. From 2014 until 2016, I was dedicated to the Patagonia game. Then I got my first pair of Outdoor Voices joggers and never looked back. Their Runningman Sweats are good for running, but even better for wondering if all your friends hate you after you said something rude when you browned out. Too hot? Transition into their brother shorts, The Sunday Shorts. All of these pair perfectly with the Photofinish Tee, which is a part of Ross Bolen’s trademark “Blogger Scrubs” that he claims “feel like a cloud.” He’s not wrong.

Scented Candles

A good Panic Room is only as good as its scented candle. If you’re going to be the best, you need to buy the best. I know, I know, what I’m about to show you isn’t cheap, but it’s the best money can buy. My time selling luxury goods before transitioning to full-time blogger turned me into a candle snob, which is why the Cire Trudon Ernesto Candle is the only thing I’ll roll with. 80+ hour burn time and a strong enough smell that you don’t even need to light it to fill the room with its manly scent. “Did he just use ‘manly’ and ‘scented’ candle in the same breath?” you ask. Yes, I did. Their website describes it as follows:

In a hotel of Havana, under the fixed sun of the Revolution: the fierce and partisan overtones of leather and tobacco meddle with the paneling’s waxen silence. In the cool dimness, fawn grimaces shimmer along with the smoke of cigars and the barrels of guns.

Viva la Panic Room.

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Will

Will deFries (Twitter / Instagram) is a Senior Writer at Grandex and the world's foremost authority on Sunday Scaries (Twitter / Instagram). Email me at will@grandex.co.

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