The Stupidest Things My Friends Have Said In The Last Week: 4/16

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The Stupidest Things My Friends Have Said In The Last Week: 4/16

Guys, don’t worry. My friends are still stupid, and they still say even stupider things. It might have been a while since I wrote one of these, but they’ve been busy in the meantime.

My friends are fantastic. I love them very much, but I swear to God, some of the things that leave their mouths are the most absurd things I’ve ever heard. Whether they’re completely out of nowhere, oddly offensive, or just plain stupid, I have enough ridiculous quotes from them to last a lifetime. To give you an idea, these are things they have said just in the last week.

“Farts are always funny. They’re like a joke your butthole tells.”

“I got out of shape on accident. I tripped and fell mouth first into a bucket of gravy.”

“I’m filing a lawsuit against Disney for the phrase “happiest place on Earth” on behalf of my dick.”

“I’m just saying, if WWE doesn’t want to get passed up by the UFC, they really need to clean up their officiating.”

“Maybe I can install one of those hamster water bottles to my headboard.”

1. “Why did you buy this beanie?” 2. “Shut up, you know cheetah is my favorite color.”

(Singing) “Let me see that diphtho-ong. Baby. That dip-th-thong-thong-thong.”

“The societal pressure of dudes to perform sexually is the same as it is for girls to look good in public, except we have to do it drunk. I’d love to see a girl attempt to put on makeup after fourteen Old Fashioneds.”

“Who’s dumber, the guy who texts his ex-girlfriend, or the guy who gives his phone back to him after he promises he won’t text his ex-girlfriend?”

1. “The whiskey was a lot stronger than I was anticipating.” 2. “It was the same brand we always buy!” 1. “My point still stands.”

“Sally Field was bangable since Gidget all the way up until…well, frankly, she’s still super bangable.”

1. “My mixer of choice is whatever liquid you have in the fridge.” 2. “All we have is pickle juice.” 1. “Pour it up!”

1. “What’s your favorite Aerosmith song?” 2. “Jaded.” 1. “How? Why?”

“You ever wonder if William Henry Harrison actually died from autoerotic asphyxiation? I mean, dying from not wearing a coat in cold weather is shit moms say to keep their dumb kids inside.”

“You ever been fucked by a woman who fucks like a man?”

“Now that I’m 27, I think it’s official that I won’t ever be a pro basketball player.”

“Birds aren’t as good at flying as you think they are.”

“If Bush was behind 9/11, I’m sure he had a good reason for it.”

“She asked me if I wanted to go back to her place, and I was so excited, I didn’t know whether to shit or go blind.”

“Apparently he’s got a massive dick. Dude’s hanging more brain than Stephen Hawking’s wheelchair.”

“Sorry, I gotta go. I have to wash my goldfish.”

1. “She’s a ‘blowjob in the back of a pawn shop’ kind of girl.” 2. “Better than a ‘blowjob in front of a pawn shop’ though.” 3. “True.”

“It’s not incest if you didn’t know she was your aunt beforehand.”

“Fat chicks are just hot girls in a really lazy disguise that they might never take off.”

I know. I’m not sure why I’m friends with them, either. Actually, yes I am. I say shit that’s just as idiotic. In fact, a couple of these are actually quotes from me. And no, I will not tell you which ones. Our whole group is silly.

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Randall J. Knox (known colloquially to his friends as "Knox") left his native Texas a few years ago, and moved to Los Angeles in his '03 Buick Regal named LeRoi to write movies with his jackass college buddies. His favorite things in life include bourbon that's above his pay grade, mix CDs, and Kevin Costner films. He isn't sure what "dad jeans" are exactly, but he knows he wants a pair.

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