My friends are fantastic. I love them very much, but I swear to God, some of the things that leave their mouths are the most absurd things I’ve ever heard. Whether they’re completely out of nowhere, oddly offensive, or just plain stupid, I have enough ridiculous quotes from them to last a lifetime. To give you an idea, these are things they have said just in the last week.
- So we landed on a comet and Bruce Willis wasn’t there? Then what’s the fucking point?
- I still haven’t grown out of thinking that I want my life to be like “Entourage,” which is probably the main stumbling block to my happiness.
- The fact that you stand up to wipe after you take a shit is almost my least favorite thing about you, second only to the fact that you actually told me you do that.
- Have we made up our minds on whether soap actually works or not?
- We should really stop having conversations in the grocery store. All of the cashiers look at me weird now.
- You ever wonder if ostriches are self conscious about not being able to fly, or are they just like, “fuck you, I can run forty miles an hour”?
- I’m tired of people telling me I need to slow down. If Mike Leach has proven anything, it’s that you can be extremely successful while being drunk most of the time and rarely knowing where you are.
- I mean, do you really want me throwing cheese at your baby?
- I don’t think Quiet Riot is a real band. They’re just a hoax that everybody who survived the ’80s decided to pretend was a real thing.
- I have a weird sixth sense for when you’re going to the bathroom to shit and when you’re going to jack off, and I really don’t like it.
- I think directors should call out different things besides “action.” Like, if shit’s blowing up, yeah, say “action.” But if the mom is dying of cancer, say “drama.” If the dog is about to get kicked in the nuts, say “comedy.” And if it’s a “Fast and Furious” movie, you just say, “You know what to do, you’ve done this seven times already.”
- 1: Oh, nice, I haven’t heard Pearl Jam on the radio in a while.
2: This is Fall Out Boy, you fucking moron.
- Easily the best part about working from home is being on conference calls while you take a dump.
- If you think about it, blankets are really unnecessary in warm climates. I’m pretty sure humanity only kept them around so we could dutch oven our wives.
- How long has whacking off into a sock been a thing? Like, do you think Jefferson did it back when socks were super expensive and made by hand?
- Am I reaching too high if I put “Helen Mirren drawing me a bath” on my bucket list?
- Most of the problems in my life are the direct result of eating a chili dog before getting in a car.
I know. I’m not sure why I’m friends with them, either. Actually, yes I am. I say shit that’s just as idiotic. In fact, a couple of these are actually quotes from me. And no, I will not tell you which ones. Our whole group is silly..