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The Stupidest Things My Friends Have Said In The Last Week

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My friends are fantastic. I love them very much, but I swear to God, some of the things that leave their mouths are the most absurd things I’ve ever heard. Whether they’re completely out of nowhere, oddly offensive, or just plain stupid, I have enough ridiculous quotes from them to last a lifetime. To give you an idea, these are things they have said just in the last week.

  • “We’ll do half the hotdogs grilled and half boiled. That way, people can have the artisanal dog of their choice.”
  • “I’d watch Gilbert Gottfried’s sex tape, no question.”
  • “I’ve spent more than a decade trying to figure out the setup for ‘So she said do you love me? And I said no, but that’s a real nice ski mask!’ with absolutely no luck whatsoever.”
  • “That’s unfair, I haven’t had a bad experience at Dave & Buster’s in, like, six months.”
  • “Betting on Old Dominion doesn’t mean I have a gambling problem, it means I’m supporting a small program with my viewership that it wouldn’t have gotten otherwise.”
  • “Can I name my son Chad, or are we kinda done with that?”
  • “I’d probably let the old lady from ‘Shark Tank’ wife me up if she really wanted to.”
  • “Who are sunroofs for, anyway?”
  • “I’ll wear sassy pants with words on the ass if I damn well feel like it.”
  • 1: “Joke’s on you, buttbird. I’ve been catfishing you this whole time.” 2: “I don’t think you understand how catfishing works.”
  • “I wonder if she’d have this kind of confidence if her dad wasn’t in insurance.”
  • “There’s cologne, and then there’s the faint aroma of thousand island dressing on your breath. It’s a real fine line.”
  • “Do you think Vin Scully put it in Marilyn Monroe? I mean, he was around.”
  • “We should pitch a reality show called ‘Spunked,’ where we hit on female celebrities in the most offensive ways possible.”
  • “I don’t trust anyone who thinks we actually know what dinosaurs looked like.”
  • “Can you buy nosebleeds for the BET awards, or is that an invite only kind of thing?”
  • “If I forget to go to my STD test appointment, you owe me money.”
  • “What kind of animal washes a shirt after only wearing it once?”
  • “There’s already a show about plastic surgery that went bad, but I’d watch one about plastic surgery that went pretty okay.”
  • “I wanna be a pro athlete just for the free socks. I fucking always lose my socks.”
  • “I feel like lamps were invented by homebuilders who got tired of paying for light fixtures and just said, “Fuck it, we’ll lay the cost of illumination off on the idiots who buy this place.’”
  • “Going back in time is trickier than you might think. Blow jobs only got cool, like, 20 years ago.”
  • “I’m skeptical of any activity that requires my signature, and that includes receipts. What are they really using that for?”
  • “Why is no one talking about how bullshit it is that just as gender equality was starting and guys didn’t have to open doors for girls anymore, there were suddenly automatic doors everywhere?”
  • “I feel like we talk about boners more than we talk about boobs these days.”

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Randall J. Knox

Randall J. Knox (known colloquially to his friends as "Knox") left his native Texas a few years ago, and moved to Los Angeles in his '03 Buick Regal named LeRoi to write movies with his jackass college buddies. His favorite things in life include bourbon that's above his pay grade, mix CDs, and Kevin Costner films. He isn't sure what "dad jeans" are exactly, but he knows he wants a pair.

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