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The Stupidest Things My Friends Have Said In The Last Week: 1/5

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My friends are fantastic. I love them very much, but I swear to God, some of the things that leave their mouths are the most absurd things I’ve ever heard. Whether they’re completely out of nowhere, oddly offensive, or just plain stupid, I have enough ridiculous quotes from them to last a lifetime. To give you an idea, these are things they have said just in the last week.

  • “Is there a place where you can buy those plastic sword swizzle sticks in bulk?”
  • “Some guy next to me waiting at the airport asked me if I wanted the rest of his food. I said yes, despite not knowing this man or having any idea what he was offering me.”
  • “If life is so good, why didn’t they make ‘It’s A Wonderful Life 2’?”
  • “No, I’m not gonna shave my beard. Would you ask a girl with A cups to get a breast reduction? It’s all I’ve got, man.”
  • “Do you think Teddy Roosevelt jerked it thinking about women, or did he just fantasize about killing safari animals and hiking in national parks?”
  • “I need a training montage just to get me out of bed and into the shower most mornings.”
  • 1: “Why don’t we just turn the oven on and get warm in the kitchen for a bit?” 2: “The woman who marries you is an idiot.”
  • “Sometimes I really wanna just give up on everything and create a children’s TV show, because then nothing I do has to make any damn sense as long as a 4-year-old finds it amusing.”
  • “I banged the nerdy band chick from high school while I was back home. She’s a hot lawyer now, and I’m still an asshole.”
  • “Do you think using the phrase “drink the Kool-Aid” is grounds for getting automatically fired from Kool-Aid?”
  • “I’ve said for a long time that I’m all about equality, and that includes putting more dong in ‘Game of Thrones.’ ”
  • “I’d like to end up with a woman who’s marginally more successful in her career than I am. That way, she’ll bring in the money, but she won’t make a big deal of it, because I’ll always pose the threat of overtaking her if and when I actually make an effort.”
  • “I’ve got bros in different area codes, and no, I don’t care how gay that sounds.”
  • 1: “I’m choosing not to watch ‘Breaking Bad’ on principle.” 2: “What fucking principle?” 1: “The principle that it makes all of you unreasonably angry.”
  • “Sometimes I just wanna break open a bottle of wine, throw some ‘Jagged Little Pill’ on, and forget I have a dick.”
  • “I made more money when I was a teenager than I do now, but I can’t go back to it, because Blockbuster, Barnes & Noble, and selling magazine subscriptions are all defunct jobs.”
  • “You could start going bald and still score more women than I do, and I really hate you for it.”
  • “I’m gonna write a werewolf boner novel. Werewolves are the next thing, right?”

I know. I’m not sure why I’m friends with them, either. Actually, yes I am. I say shit that’s just as idiotic. In fact, a couple of these are actually quotes from me. And no, I will not tell you which ones. Our whole group is silly.

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Randall J. Knox

Randall J. Knox (known colloquially to his friends as "Knox") left his native Texas a few years ago, and moved to Los Angeles in his '03 Buick Regal named LeRoi to write movies with his jackass college buddies. His favorite things in life include bourbon that's above his pay grade, mix CDs, and Kevin Costner films. He isn't sure what "dad jeans" are exactly, but he knows he wants a pair.

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