The Stupidest Things My Friends Have Said In The Last Week: 12/3

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My friends are fantastic. I love them very much, but I swear to God, some of the things that leave their mouths are the most absurd things I’ve ever heard. Whether they’re completely out of nowhere, oddly offensive, or just plain stupid, I have enough ridiculous quotes from them to last a lifetime. To give you an idea, these are things they have said just in the last week.

  • “There’s no law against pissing in public if a cop doesn’t see you pissing in public.”
  • “You ever met a guy named Randy you didn’t either love or find out was a total asshole or both?”
  • 1: “I’m drinking my way through this cold.”
    2: “I don’t think that’s how the human body works.”
  • “If I call you gay for wearing that scarf, will that get my franchise taken away?”
  • “I really want Universal studios to know that whoever they paid to say that ‘Neighbors’ was a good movie, they can pay me half that much to do it for the next ostrich turd they produce.”
  • “It’s really hard to slow fade on a girl when she keeps sending you nudes.”
  • “I could write a better book than that douche if I knew people and could spell good.”
  • “You wanna go downtown and find out what cathedrals are all about?”
  • “I know our economy is too complex to use gold to back our currency, but what if we used porn instead?”
  • “It’s not hard for a girl to impress me. Hell, I’d marry a woman if she said she liked Batman Forever.”
  • 1: “Should I ask Sarah to be my plus one to the wedding?”
    2: “Would you bring a fucking sandwich to a buffet?””
    1: “Depends. Does the sandwich have pickles?”
  • “I don’t really know the difference between Ohio and Miami, Ohio, but I know I’ve got money on one of them in this game.”
  • “She dumped me for some dude just because he’s rich. And better looking, and nicer, and probably just a better person overall. Actually, I get it now.”
  • “Today I found out Chardonnay is a white wine. So that’s fun.”
  • “I’d really prefer if she stopped reminding me of her existence by continuing to, you know…exist.”
  • “Chili’s opens at eleven. We’ll call it brunch, but we’re ordering ribs.”
  • “I haven’t agreed with someone this much since Netflix put Con Air on my “Recommended For You” list.”
  • 1: “Do you think Eisenhower ever tried the stranger technique where you sit on your hand, and then you…”
    2: “Please stop.”
  • “I’ve only walked out of the theater during three movies, and two of them were Corky Romano.”
  • “I could probably make a living as a cruise ship lounge singer if I didn’t get seasick so easily.”
  • “I’m looking forward to emasculating my girlfriend’s future boyfriend.”
  • “I’m basically the Tony Stark of DIY pizza recipes.”

I know. I’m not sure why I’m friends with them, either. Actually, yes I am. I say shit that’s just as idiotic. In fact, a couple of these are actually quotes from me. And no, I will not tell you which ones. Our whole group is silly.

Randall J. Knox (known colloquially to his friends as "Knox") left his native Texas a few years ago, and moved to Los Angeles in his '03 Buick Regal named LeRoi to write movies with his jackass college buddies. His favorite things in life include bourbon that's above his pay grade, mix CDs, and Kevin Costner films. He isn't sure what "dad jeans" are exactly, but he knows he wants a pair.

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