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The Stupidest Things My Friends Have Said In The Last Week: 12/22

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My friends are fantastic. I love them very much, but I swear to God, some of the things that leave their mouths are the most absurd things I’ve ever heard. Whether they’re completely out of nowhere, oddly offensive, or just plain stupid, I have enough ridiculous quotes from them to last a lifetime. To give you an idea, these are things they have said just in the last week.

  • “You ever see a bird flying around and think maybe he had a fight with his girlfriend, and is just going on a cruise to blow off some steam?”
  • “We could have made up any badass mythical character to go along with Christmas, and we chose a dude who sneaks into your house wearing pajamas, forces you to make cookies for him, and leaves you Walmart bargain bin shit in your stocking?”
  • “I’m good at a lot of things. Life is not one of them.”
  • “Are we still talking shit about Bruno Mars, or can I safely come clean about liking his music now?”
  • “If you’d told Thoreau that his neckbeard legacy would be carried on by inarticulate white football players, I bet he would’ve quit philosophy altogether.”
  • “If you’ve ever seen a belly dancer in real life, then you’ve experienced true disappointment.”
  • “I’m gonna feel really foolish about washing my balls that thoroughly if I don’t get laid tonight.”
  • “I love little people, they’re like my hobby.”
  • “I walked a mile and a half to get free ranch packets from McDonald’s instead of going around the corner and buying a two dollar bottle of it from the store.”
  • “I like the Transporter movies more than Jason Statham probably does, and he got paid millions of dollars to make them.”
  • “I hooked up with a girl who would talk to me in bed like I was a baby, and I liked it a lot more than I’m comfortable admitting.”
  • “Do you think Truman rubbed one out right before he made the decision to drop the atomic bomb just to make sure it was a good idea?”
  • “I’m down to go to a gay bar as long as they make a decent Old Fashioned.”
  • “My dick has the intellectual capacity of a drunk Rob Gronkowski trying to teach an upper level physics class.”
  • “You think they made Triscuits on purpose, or they just stumbled on the recipe while looking for an alternative use for old barbed wire?”
  • “We need a code word that means ‘run in my room and tell me my grandma just died so I can get this girl the fuck outta here.’”
  • “Stephen A. Smith is starting to grow on me.”
  • “I haven’t been that mad since the incident that got me ejected from the charity softball game.”
  • “I heard a girl across the bar say that her favorite movie was Con Air, and she disappeared before I could make my way over there. It haunts me to this day.”

I know. I’m not sure why I’m friends with them, either. Actually, yes I am. I say shit that’s just as idiotic. In fact, a couple of these are actually quotes from me. And no, I will not tell you which ones. Our whole group is silly.

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Randall J. Knox

Randall J. Knox (known colloquially to his friends as "Knox") left his native Texas a few years ago, and moved to Los Angeles in his '03 Buick Regal named LeRoi to write movies with his jackass college buddies. His favorite things in life include bourbon that's above his pay grade, mix CDs, and Kevin Costner films. He isn't sure what "dad jeans" are exactly, but he knows he wants a pair.

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