I believe that if you have the power to change something, then you aren’t allowed to complain about it. However, certain physical characteristics cannot be changed, therefore, I like to complain all the time about how tall I am. I know I’m going to piss off short people everywhere, but even if you tried to swing on me you couldn’t reach my face, so deal with it.
Being an abnormally tall person is the ultimate struggle. I don’t mean just a couple inches above average height; I mean you’re really up there. Simple everyday tasks turn into serious obstacles. Sure, there may be some advantages like certain sports being a little easier or always having a good view at a concert, but the rest of life pretty much just sucks.
Interacting With Other People
“How tall are you?”, “Did you grow since I saw you last?!”, “How’s the weather up there?”, “Wow, you’re really tall!”, “Can you reach that for me?”, “Do you play basketball?”, “That jacket fits you weird.”, “Are your parents tall?”, “Can you even fit in my car?”, and “Do you like being tall?”
Let me respond to all those in order.
Taller than you, short stack. No, Grandma, I stopped growing 5 years ago. Sorry, can’t hear you “up here.” No shit. I guess I have to now that you asked a loaded question. Yes, and I would absolutely wreck you. Wow really? I had no idea that literally no clothes fit me normally. Duh. No, I can’t fit in any cars. Hell no.
Also, people come up with stupid nicknames. I was called “Sasquatch” or “S’quatch” in high school, and my girlfriend’s brother calls me Yao Ming. And hugs are basically just me swallowing someone in my arms.
Obviously, clothes aren’t plentiful in larger sizes. My dress shirts never stay tucked in, the sleeves are always too short, I rip a pair of pants every month or two, and I’ve busted enough blazers growing up to make my dad’s wallet cry. Car shopping is a serious struggle, and I’m basically stuck to just driving trucks (totally chill with me). Shorts are the best part because they’re only sold by waist size. 9” inseams are knee length on most guys but borderline Chubbies for me, and if I dare throw on a 5” inseam I look like I’m just wearing briefs.
And shoes? LOL. I’m lucky enough to live walking distance from an outlet mall and still can’t find the shoes I want/need. I’ve spent months trying to find a pair of tan boat shoes but I guess Sperry just wants to discriminate against tall people. Email me back Sperry, I just want some damn shoes.
Just Not Fitting Anywhere
The next time I see a normal person complain about a middle seat on an airplane, I may roundhouse them right in the throat (any punches thrown by me would probably go right over their head). People stare at me when I walk through doors – sorry I’m less than an inch shorter than standard door frame height. If I go through that door at the wrong part of my gait, I’ll have a headache for a week. I’ve got more knots on my head than Cromartie has children. If there really was a monster under my bed, he would’ve eaten my feet by now since I’m hanging off my bed from my calf down. I would make a great anonymous Twitter account because every mirror I look in just shows the chest down. “One size fits all” is the biggest lie in the history of marketing. I don’t think I’ve ever had a Halloween costume that was from the store. I can’t fit my knees under a desk or table and I don’t think I’ve been able to take a real bath since I was 5. Remember in Elf when Buddy is trying to shower at the North Pole? That’s pretty accurate.
Are there advantages? Sure. Are there way more cons? Definitely. So before you complain about being 5’9” (which is almost the average height for a US male) just realize there is a group of people out there much taller than you that are discriminated against every day with no laws to protect them.
Sorry if this column was short, but I’ve got bigger things to worry about. .
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