You simply can’t make this stuff up. You could actually convince me that this is one big elaborate marketing ploy for the new season of Silicon Valley and I’d probably believe you because this is just so preposterous.
Juicero Inc., a startup company that produced a $699 juicer that was undoubtedly created to make yuppies go bankrupt, has officially been rendered completely useless after getting over $120 million in funding from companies like Google. No, seriously. Idiots poured $120 million into a juicer (which has since been reduced to $400) that was one of the most hyped startup projects on the market.
The juicer itself is simply a machine that takes pre-packaged bags filled with fruits and vegetables and squeezes these bags into a glass. The “Keurig for juice,” if you will. The bags are priced individually and sent to your home weekly, and the power of the juicer is said to be “enough to lift two Teslas.” Comparing your fucking juicer to something that lifts Teslas is a marketing technique that makes me want to punch Silicon Valley in its collective face.
But, as it turns out, you don’t even need the fucking juicer to squeeze the juice out. Yeah, you can just use your hands like cavemen and savages. Imagine that – not needing technology to pour yourself some fucking juice. Crazy concept, I know. But what’s even crazier is that not one of the dumbasses who decided to dump over $100 million into this thing had the presence of mind to be like, “Hold up, can’t you just turn this bitch upside down like a Capri Sun and pour it into your glass itself?” Nah, everyone just signed checks and handed them over before the ink could dry because this project was so hyped.
Bloomberg created a beautifully snarky video displaying the stupidity behind the entire debacle.
Fools, the whole lot of ’em.
Bloomberg figured out that you can pretty much squeeze the exact same amount of juice out of one of these packages as the machine will squeeze out for you, which means that the machine is just an overpriced accessory to show your friends when they come over for dinner parties.
When Bloomberg asked Juicero for comment, they obviously declined because they’re all sitting around a conference room table with Gavin Belson screaming at them wondering how the fuck they could fuck up this bad.
Someone who’s reportedly “close to the company” (ie. a mole) said that, “Juicero is aware the packs can be squeezed by hand but that most people would prefer to use the machine because the process is more consistent and less messy.” It’s almost more embarrassing that the company knows this piece of equipment is a sham and is trying to pass off cleanliness as a reason to drop half a grand on their shit. 6-year-olds have been flawlessly stabbing Capri Suns with razor-sharp straws for ages and you don’t see them clamoring for a $120 million investment to solve their problems.
Embarrassingly enough, even Gwyneth Paltrow gave it “rave reviews.” Because of course she did, because she brunches more lavishly than anyone in the western world. It is reported that more than one investors were somewhat pissed when they realized what was going on, but Gwyneth probably has one in every room and is waiting to sell them on her website Goop.
Oh, and in case this got your wheels turning for an actual episode of Silicon Valley, it starts again this weekend. You’re welcome. .
Image via YouTube