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The Slow, Painful Timeline Of A Traffic Jam

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This morning, protesters in Boston closed down I-93, the major highway that runs into and out of the city. As someone who commutes to work on that particular highway, I was lucky enough to be stuck in the resulting clusterfuck, so I ended up sitting with my car in park on the road for quite some time. This wasn’t your run of the mill congestion. This was bumper to bumper, full stop gridlock. Since I literally had nothing else to do, here is a timeline of what it’s like to be stuck in a major traffic jam.

7:43 a.m.: Depart house. Should be in the office by 8:30 a.m.

7:56 a.m.: Traffic is at a complete standstill on the highway.

7:58 a.m.: And totally not moving. That’s weird.

8:03 a.m.: Pull out iPhone to look at Twitter for info, hands free laws be damned! You aren’t the boss of me, Massachusetts.

8:06 a.m.: Nothing online.

8:11 a.m.: Finally someone on the radio reports that there are protesters blocking the highway. What?

8:14 a.m.: Apparently the protestors have attached themselves to 1,200-pound barrels with PVC pipe so the police can’t move them off the road. So many questions…

8:15 a.m.: 1) Where the fuck does one find 1,200-pound barrels?

8:16 a.m.: 2) How the hell does one move said barrels onto the highway?

8:17 a.m.: 3) Don’t these people know I have a 9 a.m. meeting and I still need to put on my makeup in the office bathroom?

8:19 a.m.: Pull up exit map on phone and discover there is no exit between me and them. I’m stuck.

8:23 a.m.: Compose angry tweet damning the freedom of speech and assembly.

8:25 a.m.: Delete angry tweet.

8:29 a.m.: Email boss that I’ll be in sometime next century.

8:38 a.m.: Contemplate a nap. Someone will beep if we move.

8:44 a.m.: Desperately beg anyone in my group text to play Trivia Crack with me.

8:48 a.m.: Oh cool, people are turning off their cars and getting out to chat. That’s a positive sign.

8:50 a.m.: Remember that I don’t have any makeup on yet, so I don’t get out to socialize. These people are having a bad enough day already. They don’t need to see me.

8:51 a.m.: Start makeup application.

8:59 a.m.: Finish makeup application. Brows are on point today.

9:02 a.m.: Starts drizzling. Decide to stay in car as not to endanger well-executed makeup job.

9:08 a.m.: Read on Twitter that the firefighters have cut the PVC pipe chaining these people together and are getting them off the road. Should be moving any moment now!

9:14 a.m.: Take all my turns in Words With Friends.

9:18 a.m.: Still not moving.

9:22 a.m.: Hunger setting in. Cereal and milk are at work. Consider eating my lunch.

9:24 a.m.: It can’t be that bad to eat an unmicrowaved Lean Cuisine, right?

9:25 a.m.: With your fingers?

9:32 a.m.: Slow roll begins. Hallelujah!

9:46 a.m.: Really, really slow.

9:49 a.m.: And, of course, now I have to pee.

10:01 a.m.: I could walk faster than my car is moving.

10:06 a.m.: Consider asking the guy in the Budweiser truck next to me for a case. Try to make eye contact.

10:11 a.m.: Budweiser guy just thinks I’m creepy. Or soliciting him for sex. Or both.

10:16 a.m.: Roll by protesters. They’re on the side of the road, being arrested. Tempted to beep and wave. Decide the state police won’t find that amusing.

10:32 a.m.: Finally pull up in front of office and pretty much throw my keys at the office valet (#privileged). Make a run for it.

10:34 a.m.: Lobby bathroom. Sweet relief. This could have been ugly.

10:38 a.m.: Finally walk in the office. Realize I’m still one of the only ones here.

10:41 a.m.: Start shoving cereal in my mouth by the handful. No one’s around to see it, anyway.

10:45 a.m.: Workday finally begins.

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2NOTBrokeGirls

There really did used to be 2NOTBrokeGirls, but since one of them spent all of her money on shoes and vodka, there's now just one (financially stable) J, who is too lazy to change her user name. J spends her free time saving the world, one sorority girl at a time (usually while wearing yoga pants), questioning why she decided to go to graduate school, and documenting her love of all things cheese related. You can ask her anything you want about football, using your boobs to get what you want, and pizza at @2NOTBrokeGirls on Twitter or 2NOTBrokeGirls@gmail.com.

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