Listen up, you nervous, non-talkative, sweaty, meek little men, because I’m a behind-a-keyboard badass, and I am going to save you from yourself. (Ladies, take notice too). When it comes to interviews, you need presence, and while you should have learned that at some point in college or in the real world, there are always those people who slip through the cracks or fall off the wagon.
I thought about giving over the top, sarcastic advice such as betting your employment on shotgunning bottles of whiskey against the interviewer, or telling him that you want to be his boss someday, or fucking backhanding him across the face to be memorable. Instead, I’m going to give a four point plan that is 100% accurate, but I’m going to deliver it obnoxiously, because fuck you.
ARE YOU READY? Too fucking bad, because it’s here:
1. Get your dick wet the night before/morning of.
You’re selling yourself in an interview, right? Same thing applies when it comes to women. Whether it’s a girl you pick up at a bar, a lovely lady you invite in after you take her to dinner, or your long-time wife who usually turns you down, seal the deal and get it in. Actually, don’t just get it in – rock her fucking world. You will feel accomplished and relaxed. Success breeds success.
2. Get caffeinated.
This could just be because I’m an addict, but if I’m not caffeinated, I’m not as engaged. Get fired the fuck up. Do some pushups, too. Get your mind right. Don’t be a fucking moron and go into your interview all red-faced because you used “alternative methods,” though. Be smart about it. This is the real world, jackass. If you want to do lines off your desk, you need a desk first.
3. Wear your “fuck you” suit, shirt, tie, and shoes.
This one’s nuanced, like this post. You need to stand out without standing out. Shut the fuck up. It makes sense. Sure, for an interview you should be going navy or charcoal suit, white or light blue shirt, standard tie, etc., but you can work within that. For me, I make sure the suit is my best and well-tailored, the shirt is immaculate with a sweet spread collar and collar stays, the tie is a power tie with a power stripe, and the shoes are a step up from your basic boring ass dress shoe. Don’t be afraid to dance around the margins. I fucking strut around margins, but you’ll work up to it. Brown shoes with a navy suit? Fuck yeah. French cuffs with cuff links? A little too far. Spread collar because you know it fits your face and you’re the fucking man? Yes. Skinny pants? Go kill yourself. You want to stand out in a “that guy put effort into his appearance” way because that’s solid ground. Wearing the same boring cheap ass JCPenney shit that everyone wears is just as bad as going way over the top.
4. Smile a lot and make sure your eyes are sufficiently open.
Smiles are contagious (don’t even fucking comment), and open eyes signal trustworthiness (just like closed eyes signal SUPRISE!). If you followed my advice, the caffeine should have your eyes popping and you should be so damn content with yourself that the smile should be natural.
I’m fucking embarrassed that I have to give this kind of advice. Time to nut up or shut up.