If you were born the guy who typically goes 3-for-4 with 2 RBI, stays out past curfew with the cool kids, and copies some physically inferior male’s math homework on the bus, then you get it. You care about winning life and the following is for you.
This week, I discovered a monumental game-changing work hack that will better the human working condition for quarters to come. So I didn’t totally discover it, but think of me as the Christopher Columbus who mainstreamed it. Yes, I know there are a handful of nerds who saw it early on TechCrunch and have already been using it. Probably for increased efficiency, timely deliverables, and to streamline systems and processes for scaling (or whatever it is the business try-hards blog about on their lunch breaks).
My discovery was Boomerang for Gmail.
*If you are looking for a Boomerang hyperlink to learn more from Google, then quit reading this article because you got your math homework copied and you still don’t get it. For the rest of you, there will be a link at the end of this that takes you straight to a big red download button. Click that bitch.*
Let me give it to you straight: Boomerang allows you to write an email and schedule it to be sent out at a later time.
DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT THIS FUCKING MEANS?!
If you aren’t seeing the deeper applications of this technology, that’s totally fine.
BECAUSE YOUR BOY RIGHT HERE DOES!
I’m showing all of you the fucking light. Stay with me for six career-accelerating tips because I’m about to give you all a pay raise. The all-freedom lifestyle starts now.
1. “Work” on holidays by scheduling your emails to be sent out on the actual holiday. Christmas Eve night and Christmas Day morning are considered the most sacred family time, so scheduling emails to fire off during those time slots will get you the furthest value. Always be looking for those angles. If you’re jewish or even half-Jewish, you know you aren’t getting off for Yom Kippur. Make sure that you’ve got big division-wide threads set to ping on the half-hour all night long.
2. Burn the midnight oil. There’s no doubt that staying on the job late into the night catches the eye of senior management. If you finish up those documents at 4:30 p.m. so that you can slip out thirty minutes early, just schedule the email of the documents to go out at 7 p.m. The numbers don’t lie: you just stayed at the office 2 hours late, while recording a personal net gain of 2.5 hours off.
3. The early bird gets the worm. There’s only one thing that gets more corporate respect than staying at the office late, and thats coming into the office early. That sucks though. Schedule a monthly 6 a.m. email along the lines of “I was the first to get here this morning and the main door was unlocked. Whoever is the last to leave in the evening please be sure to lock up. Thanks!” Thats a strategic email that showcases a breadth of responsibility and it only took you a few minutes to schedule company-wide, management-style emails for every month of the year. CC the whole company on these.
4. Be known as the smartest guy at the company. Appear to put in outside hours learning everything you can about your superfast moving and ever evolving sector. A simple but highly effective strategy here is to send out links to articles relevant to your company. A daily 5 a.m. forwarded article relevant to your industry gives the impression of an early riser who is eager to re-engage with his passionate career. I try to do some light reading to wind down before bed on my phone. Since I hate reading, I just look at pictures on my favorite apps. At this time, hit the front page of Business Insider. Based off title alone you should be able to find 1-2 articles to forward to whoever in your company the article title made it sound most pertinent to. Don’t spend more than four minutes on this. Remember that sleep is the most important component of all.
5. Adderall and other performance enhancers are now virtually impossible to detect. The days of sending 27 emails between 2:00 and 5:00 a.m. were a dead giveaway that you had succumbed to the temptations of amphetamines to “get caught up.” With Boomerang, you just spread that shit around with thirty minute gaps and you’re golden. Millions of ADHD and procrastination sufferers in this country can now lose control of their inboxes all week without anxiety or guilt. Just dedicate one full medication day to crush the entire inbox with speed and flawless execution. And be sure to start every email reply with “Apologies for the delay…” It’s well known that slow and steady wins the race. You can’t walk and sprint and expect to win a marathon. You’ll lose by 1.5 hours to a Kenyan. But this is America, and you can walk and sprint your way to the gold!
6. Dine alone for lunch in order to stay stealth and sharp. Skip out on coworker group lunches by saying you have to work thru lunch. Schedule all correspondence to go out during lunch hour. Sneak out the back door and eat Chipotle with the only person you really want to talk to — yourself. Or hit the local titty bar for a half priced surf-n-turf lunch hour. Day-shift C-Team strippers beat the hell out of predicting the upcoming birthdate of Tammy in Accountings’ illegitimate child for a first place prize of $40.
Added Bonus Work Hack: If you ever do get forced into a baby birthdate pool, the best odds are achieved by asking her how far along she is, and then subtracting that from 9 months.
(For the record, if she decides that terminating the pregnancy makes more financial sense for her situation, all bets in the pool are a push. From my experience, when everyone gets their money back, everyone sorta feels like they won and you will generally see an uptick in company morale!)
Thank you for your time, my like-minded brethren. Trust me, you WILL achieve total career glory if you go with your gut and keep doing you. So go get on that. There’s that Google kid up there in the front seat with the homework and he always gets the right answer.
Today’s answer is Boomerang for Gmail. Get it here if you play to win the game.*Th.
Image via YouTube