Hanger – verb. To have extreme rage, induced by a drop in blood sugar levels. I was so hangry last night; I called a girl a slut because she asked if I was finished with the ketchup.
While I generally consider myself of sound mind, I suffer from deliberating hanger. I will become completely irrational and unreasonable if I wait too long between meals. One moment I’m thinking I’m a little hungry, the next I’ve yelled at someone for suggesting that we go to an all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet for lunch.
You have no ability to think clearly, and making basic decisions, such as what you should do for lunch or dinner, becomes a nightmare. Hanger doesn’t discriminate between males or females; it doesn’t choose you based on age, and it’s not limited to the thick or thin. Our only thing in common is that we’re probably more likely to get Type 2 diabetes. If someone around you gets the hanger, you’ll know. Even if they don’t.
When you’re hangry, you’re at risk of making all sorts of bad decisions and offending anyone in the near vicinity. It’s important that you limit your decision-making and contact with people you may want to speak to again. Signs that you are hangry include, but could never be limited to:
- Standing in the supermarket, looking around and talking to yourself that you “don’t have time for this shit.” Buy a whole roast chicken. Eat it in the car.
- Scream that you “hate people” when someone suggests cleaning up before eating lunch.
- Looking in the fridge when you get home from work, stating “there’s never anything to cook for dinner.” Eat an entire wheel of cheese.
- While waiting for your pizza order, you lose the remote. Five seconds later, look for the same remote with no luck and yell that someone keeps taking your things.
- “I need more than a sandwich right now.”
- Denying your hanger to those around you, even though you just berated the waiter about your food not being at the table five minutes after you ordered it.
- Thinking that maybe you’re struggling because you’re tired. Order a Venti Caramel Frappuccino with extra cream. Follow this up with severe heart palpitations and the shakes.
- Throwing your phone on the floor because once again, Candy Crush Level 147 has defeated you and now you really just want a candy bar.
- Storming off in the middle of doing something after you caught a whiff of barbeque smoke, because life just suddenly got too hard.
- A story on the internet about food set you off on a political rant about GMO.