Summer 2015. The first of my best friends is getting married at a country club in our hometown. Ya boy? He’s standing up at this thing. The reception situation? Allow the groom to explain:
“Everyone will be sitting at a long table in front of the guests next to their significant others. Everyone has a significant other besides you, so if you bring a date, we need to approve her first.”
So you’re telling me that out of everyone you guys asked to be in your wedding party, I’m the only single person? And to amplify this, you’re going to create a line-up in front of the guests where everyone is clearly paired off except for me? And you also have to approve my date-in-waiting, so my stripper idea is out? Alright, sweet, yeah, this isn’t giving me any anxiety at all.
Now, I’m faced with a conscious coupling (sup, Gwyneth Paltrow?) decision. Do I put my nose to the grindstone and find a bird to take with me, or do I crush the Leonardo DiCaprio lifestyle and hit this wedding up solo? While the upside of going alone is sky-high, the downsides are absolutely and unequivocally frightening.
PRO: I CAN RIDE THE WAVE.
For those of you that don’t know what it means to #RideTheWave, it’s essentially hooking up with babes sequentially because you’re on a hot streak. It’s a known fact that once you hook up with a girl, you can either use that momentum to your advantage (#RideTheWave), or you can be a numbskull and sit at home watching Netflix using your mom’s password. You get a certain stink about you that girls somehow can’t resist.
I mean, do I sit at this front-and-center table just tossing out wink-bombs and putting out the vibe? That’s the only move if I go solo, right? An early-June wedding screams “Surf’s Up!” to me. This is so full of possibilities that even Johnny Tsunami may get intimidated by the impending swell.
CON: PEOPLE ARE GOING TO WONDER IF I’M GAY.
When you’re literally the only person sitting in front of a room full of people at a wedding without a significant other, the general public’s assumptions of you are pretty much limited to the following:
- • This guy just got dumped.
• This guy is so un-dateable that he couldn’t even find a date to one of his best friend’s weddings.
• This guy listens to Elton John private sessions on Spotify.
Now, don’t get me wrong, people thinking you’re gay is fine when you’re actually gay. But I’m a 28-year-old single straight man so the last thing I need is another hurdle in my quest to finding a female counterpart.
When you’ve got a full head of hair and an outgoing personality, some people jump to conclusions. Girls flock to hang out with gay guys because they’re unassuming and won’t try to bone them. But me? Girls hang out with me because I’m easy-going, crush romantic comedies (which shows I have a sensitive side), and I smell good most of the time. Does the casual non-renaissance man maybe think I’m gay once in awhile? Yeah, for sure. I’m probably talking to the girl he’s after so he’s grasping at straws for excuses as to why she’s ignoring him. But do I want an entire room whispering this? Nah.
PRO: I DON’T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT BABYSITTING ANYONE.
If I just swipe some broad off the street to be my side-piece for this shindig, a lot of risks come into play. If I don’t know this girl well, I don’t know what types of stories she’ll be telling people when I’m watching a Stanley Cup game at the bar. I don’t know how she’ll be able to hold her 13th glass of champagne. I don’t know if she’ll tell people that I might be “the one.” And fuck, I sure as shit don’t know if she’ll just end up going home with one of my friends, which is entirely too possible.
Ridin’ solo allows me to wash my hands of (most) responsibilities and just simply go Own Program on the entire situation without any stresses except “am I sweating through my jacket?” and “are all of our friend’s parents going to see us drunker than they’ve ever seen us before and confront us about our potential alcohol problems the next day?”
CON: I WON’T HAVE ANYONE TO BABYSIT ME.
If there’s one thing about my collective group of friends and I, it’s that we need structure. We need people whispering in our ears to tell us where to go next. We need people ensuring we’re at the right place at the right time or else we find ourselves all waking up from a blackout on a sectional couch with the DVD menu of The Condemned blasting in our faces while someone texts us, “Did you guys seriously skip dinner last night and just drink whiskey-Vernors while listening to Kid Rock’s Live Trucker on repeat?”
Because this day is an honor and a tribute to two of our best friends, we all need to be on point. And there’s no better way to ensure you’re on point than to have a responsible girl keeping you in check throughout the weekend.
But I still don’t know what to do..
Image via YouTube