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The Pros And Cons Of Being Romantically Involved With A Female Sports Fan

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It might sound like the perfect situation: having a significant other who loves watching athletic competitions as much as you do. It looks amazing in commercials for sports bars, you know, camera ready women in skintight lady-cut football jerseys or tank tops, screaming at the TV, downing pitches of beer and baskets of wings, while high fiving “the guys.”

I’ve decided that anyone I date has to at least be a moderate sports fan. It’s a rule I don’t break until I break it because I’m stupid. But that doesn’t mean I’m right. Let’s look at the pros and cons.

PRO: You don’t have to compromise, doing things like “watching ONE game, then taking a break to go to Target with her.” During the NFL season, Sundays can be a full on football-a-thon, as they should be. And going to things like a baseball game for beers and dogs takes the place of going on a “nice” date, because it IS a “nice” date — for both of you.

CON: Now when you have tickets to anything, she automatically gets one, negating any “guys only” trips to the ballpark where you can act like maniacs and catch an eyeful of bleacher babes in bikini tops and cut offs at your leisure without getting the stink eye. Or worse, doing something that really makes her mad at you, and having to leave early.

PRO: She’s passionate about your teams. And when they win, you get to have a celebratory nasty session like it’s your birthday.

CON: If she’s a shit talker, she might drunk shit talk the wrong guys, knowing they’d never take a swing at her in the parking lot of a bar or a stadium. But you’ll do just fine. So now you’ve got two choices: defend her honor when table 3 at Buffalo Wild Wings brings out the big guns and calls her something that crosses the line OR zip your lip and look like a bitch. Both suck.

PRO: It’s much more fun and easy to surprise her with gifts from Mitchell & Ness than it is to try and figure out what the fuck to get her from Neiman Marcus. And there’s just something about a woman in a fitted little football jersey that cranks my Bob Seger & The Silver Bullet Band. Or, deep down I want to bone some football dudes. Either way. Love it.

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CON: She might become a full time jeans and hoodie girl. Then you start to worry why she never sexes it up anymore. Then you get passive aggressive about it. Then you have a fight about it. Then you break up. Then she starts dressing super fucking hot and gets in amazing shape. Then you get to feel like you want to stab your eyes out when you see her in all her new smokeshow glory with some bartender named Seth and you’re left to punch your sack of sadness while you send desperation texts that never result in an “even the score” trash bang session with your chiropractor’s secretary at 4am.

PRO: If she likes a different team than you do, a little good natured rivalry can make watching a game more a lot more fun.

CON: She likes the team that you and your buddies hate. Just because she thinks the shortstop or the quarterback is cute — and she’s not even from that city or state. And if they play your team, and your team wins, you’re not allowed to do anything but apologize. Celebrating is not an option, because you’re being insensitive.

PRO: She’s dated some athletes, and understands the rules of the sports thoroughly. There’s no need from constant explanations.

CON: You’ve seen pictures of some of those guys. Or maybe you even know who they are. And you can’t get the idea of some 6’5 260 DE from Wisconsin laying into your lady’s special areas with a ferocity that your average man frame could never muster.

PRO: You’re not as hungover on Monday because…

CON: …”I don’t understand why we have to drink to enjoy the game? I’d rather if you didn’t get drunk today.”

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Mike Burns

Mike Burns is a comedian, author, and writer of television. He was born in Saginaw, MI and lives in Los Angeles, via Chicago via New York. Mike graduated from Michigan State University with a degree in Advertising that he threw in the trash. He's also the creator of @DadBoner and the author of "Power Moves: Livin’ The American Dream, USA Style by Karl Welzein."

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