Jared Freid (@jtrain56) is a comedian and one of the “Bros” at HeTexted.com. HeTexted is a site where girls can get advice on the texts they receive from guys. Every Thursday on PostGradProblems Jared will answer one of the questions from his HeTexted mailbag. These are real questions from real girls visiting the site each day. If you have any of your own dating questions go to www.HeTexted.com and ask Jared or any of the other Bros that fit your particular situation.
This week on HeTexted, I got a ton of questions about Tinder. Maybe it’s the cold weather or that the holiday season (aka “Who are you dating?” season) is over. But girls are swiping like crazy and they’ve got questions. Consider this week’s edition a “Mini Tinder Mailbag.”
Q. Does every guy on Tinder just want to hook up?
Yes. You know who else wants to hook up? Every guy you’ve ever met in any way ever. I hear girls saying that Tinder is just for hooking up a lot and it always sounds like an excuse for why something didn’t work out. Guys want to hook up first and meet you later. This is the case when you meet them in a bar, or on an internet dating site, or even when you don’t meet and you just make some eye contact (I’d hook up with the idea of you). Girls don’t operate that way, so it’s tough to understand. Ask a girl “Who on this subway would you make out with right now?” and she’d either get grossed out or take forever to decide. Ask a guy that same question and he’s answering before you’re done asking. So it doesn’t matter how you guys met. And I know the idea of Tinder is a weird way to meet (he was probably pooping when he swiped you), but it’s how you met. The sooner you get over that, the sooner you get to know the person who definitely wants to hook up with you.
Q. I start a lot of conversations on Tinder and never end up going on the date. Why does this keep happening?
I know you know this, but these guys aren’t into it. Always remember that no matter how good of a conversation you’re having, he’s still swiping. I know you both are “so bored at work” and “love binge watching shows” and really that’s enough in common to go on a first date, but he’s still swiping. Think of Tinder like talking to a guy at a bar that’s full of other women. He talks to you but darts his eyes around the room looking to see if there are better options. If he doesn’t take you out of this bar (off of Tinder and onto a date or at least text) then he’s still looking. The process goes like this, swipe, match, rejudge, message, re-judge based on the message, swipe other girls, message, re-judge, go on a date. A match is still six steps away from getting out of that Tinder bar packed with other options.
Q. I’ve been seeing this guy for a while but Tinder is still on his phone. Should I say something? And if I do, how do I not sound crazy?
I’m not a fan of rules, because everyone’s situation is very different, but I’m about to give one. In a relationship, if you’re asking yourself whether you’re “crazy” for thinking something, then you’re not crazy and you should act on it. If men have done anything right over the past hundred years it’s how we’ve marketed the word “crazy” towards women. Wondering why a guy takes forever to text, or never asks you out on any other day but Thursdays, or still has Tinder on his phone even though you’ve farted in front of one another (basically married) aren’t crazy thoughts. The problem is women usually ask these very normal and valid questions in crazy ways. It’s always midway through a fight about something unrelated and it gives a guy a chance to say, “Where’d that come from? You’re acting crazy.” My advice on bringing up anything “crazy” is to make light of it. Guys do this really well. Next time a girlfriend comes up say, “She’s on Tinder too” then make a face that says “I’m joking but in the way that means I’m not giving you a BJ for a while” then move on. He’ll bumble along for a minute about how he “doesn’t even use it anymore” and you just respond by saying “It’s not a big deal, keep swiping away.” The message will be sent and you’re not being crazy at all.
Jared Freid is a comedian and HeTexted “Bro” based in NYC. You can ask him dating questions at HeTexted.com or find him on Twitter (@JTrain56) for weekly columns, podcasts, and videos.