Jared Freid (@jtrain56) is a comedian and one of the “Bros” at HeTexted.com. HeTexted is a site where girls can get advice on the texts they receive from guys. Every Thursday on PGP, Jared will answer one of the questions from his HeTexted mailbag. These are real questions from real girls visiting the site each day. If you have any of your own dating questions go to www.HeTexted.com and ask Jared or any of the other Bros that fit your particular situation.
Q. I went on two dates with this guy. We had a fun time, made out, and have been texting ever since. We’ve tried to make plans but they always get canceled and now we are at a bit of a stand still. The texts don’t really go anywhere and plans aren’t really brought up. We just talk about what’s going on. Is he still into going out? Why would we keep texting if he doesn’t want to go on a date again?
This is the plight of the 2014 single girl in her 20s. She goes on the date, has a fun time, french kisses, texts about nothing, sets up another date, gets canceled on by the guy because of “work,” gets told the guy has weekend plans but can “meet up later,” she “meets up later,” hooks up, then repeats the process until it’s blatantly obvious that this relationship will never advance. It’s unbelievable to me how similar everyone’s situation is. I mean, I’ve been that guy. I’ve gone on dates with very nice girls. Had a very nice time. Enjoyed our conversations and genuinely wanted to see the girl’s nippples because I was attracted to her both physically and mentally and nipples are always surprising. The problem was, I only had so much time and money to invest in someone that had no chance of sharing my last name. So I texted, avoided, then pushed for that meetup. This girl is currently in the “text and avoid” part of this process.
Most people are familiar with the process. I’m always asked some variation of “Why would he keep texting if he doesn’t like me?” One reason is that it feels good to get a text. Think of receiving a text like receiving a gift (stop rolling your eyes). You get it, you see who it’s from, you open it, and you have no idea what’s inside. Sometimes it’s a sweater (Mom asking where you’ve been) and sometimes it’s what you’ve always wanted (Guy you’re dating asking you on a sweatpants/wine/Bravo date). Right now he keeps texting because your responses feed his ego and make him feel good and you’ve got the smiley faces, exclamation points, and “LOLs” to keep him on this high.
The second reason he keeps texting goes back to that description of “the process.” He wants to get to that “meet up later” agreement that only costs him a Fireball shot and a smile. You know how they say a sneeze is one tenth of an orgasm? Well, a text is one tenth of a date. You’re getting a little bit of conversation, a little bit of attention, and a little bit of affirmation that this thing is going just fine. Those tenths of a date begin to add up. At some point a relationship thats only been two dates and a bunch of well placed poop-with-the-smiley-face emoticons begins to feel like a month of solid communication. These texts are meant to build up trust. She can “meet up later” without feeling so bad and has a simple explanation for the girls she’s ditching of “we’ve been texting for like a month.”
Everyone wants to feel liked and it’s why I get so many people asking about this “text limbo.” At some point it’s time to face reality and give up the text dance you’re participating in. My advice to her and anyone in a similar situation is to stop the cycle. Next time you’re in the texting conversation that goes nowhere just write, “Hey so busy today but we should go out again next week.” He will respond with a plan or an excuse. If it’s a plan that isn’t “So busy, lets meet up later.” then go with it. If it’s an excuse then write back, “Sounds good” and do the hardest thing and move on. And a week later you’ll be getting less texts and it will feel lonely enough to restart your phone but at least you’re not texting about how “it feels like a Friday.”
Jared Freid is a comedian and HeTexted “Bro” based in NYC. You can ask him dating questions at HeTexted.com or find him on Twitter (@JTrain56) for weekly columns, podcasts, and videos.