Jared Freid (@jtrain56) is a comedian and one of the “Bros” at HeTexted.com. HeTexted is a site where girls can get advice on the texts they receive from guys. Every Thursday on PostGradProblems Jared will answer one of the questions from his HeTexted mailbag. These are real questions from real girls visiting the site each day. If you have any of your own dating questions go to www.HeTexted.com and ask Jared or any of the other Bros that fit your particular situation.
Q: I went on a date and the guy said he had “a really fun time.” We still text a bit but he’s never made the effort for a second date. Why would he say he had fun if he didn’t want to go out again?
A: I’ve never considered myself a dating expert. I think if I went around saying that to people, it would be like wearing a fedora by choice and only having sex with girls who have STDs. I’ve just always enjoyed the conversation and nothing has been more enjoyable than girls writing in privately with questions like the one above. It’s an example of one of the things I’ve learned the most, which is that girls notice so much on a date and attach an importance to everything. If you wear a sweater, then you’re ready to be serious and you’re bad at sex. If you talk about your mom a lot, then you didn’t pick out that sweater and you’re bad at sex. If you mention any future event using the word “we,” then you’re already planning ahead–you’ve probably ordered mason jars for the rehearsal dinner and who cares about sex, because you’re getting married!!!!! When a guy asks a girl out on a date, it’s like he just got read his Miranda Rights and everything he says on the date can and will be used against him in a brunch of “I just can’ts.”
I’ve been the guy who said, “I had a great time” and then never set up a next date. I said this to a girl who was in a similar situation, and she came at me with a ton of questions. Why would you say that? Isn’t that leading her on? Why don’t you be a man and tell her the truth? I, along with most guys, probably don’t think that much into saying that we had fun on a date. In all honesty, I probably did have fun. I thought, “I had a nice time with a nice girl who was attractive and had some nice qualities.” I probably then told her I had fun and weighed the pros and cons of a next date. That’s when I thought, “That was fun, but nothing really made me need to have a next date. I’m attracted to her but I’m attracted to a lot of girls with bigger boobs. Sure, I had enough fun to have a second date, but that will lead to a third date, and that will lead to something sexual, and that will lead to me avoiding her and her friends. So I’m just going to move on, cut my loses, and masturbate to her Instagram.” Now let’s imagine I was “a man” and said all of that to the girl instead of, “I had a lot of fun.”
So many girls say they want the truth, but they really don’t. What they really want to know is, “What did I do wrong?” The answer to that question sucks, because it’s nothing. The answer for why things don’t work out isn’t that much different for why they do. If we knew what that was, then this whole dating thing would be a lot easier and I wouldn’t be sitting here naked, writing this column. I’ve had plenty of girlfriends who would ask questions like this one, and the minute they found the right guy, these questions stopped coming up. The longer you keep wondering how you should change is the longer you’ll waste time getting to the guy who doesn’t need you to change. Accept that sometimes a fun time can happen with someone who will never be more than a first date, and that you’ll be one step closer to going on a date with a guy in a sweater you picked out.
Jared Freid is a comedian and HeTexted “Bro” based in NYC. You can ask him dating questions at HeTexted.com or find him on Twitter (@JTrain56) for weekly columns, podcasts, and videos.