Jared Freid (@jtrain56) is a comedian and one of the “Bros” at HeTexted.com. HeTexted is a site where girls can get advice on the texts they receive from guys. Every Thursday on PostGradProblems Jared will answer one of the questions from his HeTexted mailbag. These are real questions from real girls visiting the site each day. If you have any of your own dating questions go to www.HeTexted.com and ask Jared or any of the other Bros that fit your particular situation.
Q: I met this guy at work and we’ve hit it off since day one. We finally got together and started hooking up. Over the course of that time he’s said he’s wanted to be with me and then has backed off. We constantly have “talks” but never really come to any conclusions. Over the course of whatever this is, we either hang out with a bunch of people at the bar and then go home together or we just watch TV at his place. He’s NEVER taken me out.
I went over to his place the other night and gave him crap about being a ‘no-plans-man’, and he said ‘is that still bothering you.’ I then said ‘Not as much as the fact that your friend can take a whore from Tinder out on a date, but we haven’t been out yet.’ He said Nate only did that so he could fuck that girl, so I replied ‘So since I said I would sleep with you before we went out, we aren’t ever going to go out now?’ He then thought I was giving him a hard time about the ‘no sex rule’ (he wants to wait to have sex because “Every girl I sleep with too early, I lose interest in”), so I clarified that I thought that was a good idea, and that I wasn’t mad about it, I just thought we had been talking for a month and a half, and it was time for a date. He jokingly said ‘Well that would probably require making a plan’ and I said ‘well, you’re 24 years old. I’m sure you’ve made a plan at some point in your life.’ He kissed me goodbye, and I left……I’m in a tough spot, because I really have never felt like this before. I’m not interested in anyone else. I don’t know how someone can talk about being together without making the effort to go on an actual date. I don’t know what I did wrong, or what move I should make next.
Let me start this by telling every girl out there wondering what she did wrong that the answer is nothing. Unless a guy took you on a date and when the check came, you stood up and yelled, “That’s right! Pay, you little bitch! I don’t show off the girls for free!” then I promise you did nothing wrong. Every girl asks what she did wrong like relationships are some sort of spelling bee. If relationships ended because of one singular act, then nobody would get married and you’d have a baby-free Facebook feed (unless you’re a teenager in Alabama). When guys don’t text back, set up another date, or end a three month fling, it’s almost never about you or what you did. It’s about the guy and his taste in girls. You don’t fit that taste, but that doesn’t mean you’re a bad person or that there isn’t a guy out there who would be totally into you. Asking what you did wrong is like asking why two puzzle pieces don’t fit together. Your friends won’t know how to answer, and Jenny McCarthy’s autism/vaccine argument makes more sense. When two puzzle pieces don’t fit, you go and find a new piece.
The question becomes, “Then how do I know he isn’t the right piece?” With any guy who won’t make the effort, you want to know if it’s because he’s lazy or he’s not that into you. The strategy is very simple: make things easy for him. Like, so easy that his intentions will be clear. Create events. Start with a pregame. Then invite him to your friend’s birthday. Then tell him you found this awesome new brunch place. Make them fun and simple. If he’s responsive, then keep eliminating other people from the events and make them about you and him. At some point, you guys will be in a relationship without ever having a talk. That’s the best case scenario. The more likely outcome is that you’ll get the standard excuses: busy, work, underwater basket weaving class. Every time he gives an excuse, just say, “sounds good” and move on with your day. Give him three strikes, and when he’s out, he’s out. You have your answer. If he likes you, then he will come to a fun event. Hell, he’ll come to any event if the pictures he sees of painting classes are actual people and not just a realistic marketing campaign. If he doesn’t like you, then he will avoid your fun event. This strategy stops you from having those “talks” that will only make you feel like you scared him away or did something wrong. It also takes out the emotion. It’s A or B. If he shows up, then he likes you; if he has excuses, then he likes hooking up but nothing more.
Everyone reading the question above may be thinking, “Ughh this bitch! We all know the answer is he doesn’t like her but we aren’t the ones in the situation.” We have no emotion that makes us think, “Maybe this will be the time he realizes I’m a great person he could so easily have.” While none of us are the girl asking the question, we are all one Tinder swipe and a good date away from being her. I can easily advise her to move on, but she won’t. It’s too much, “What did I do?” and, “What can I do?” which means she won’t get it until she sees it. So for anyone stuck in that state, I’m giving you the strategy that leaves emotions at the door. You’re welcome, ladies, and apologies to all the dudes getting blowjobs without dates.
Jared Freid is a comedian and HeTexted “Bro” based in NYC. You can ask him dating questions at HeTexted.com or find him on Twitter (@JTrain56) for weekly columns, podcasts, and videos.