Jared Freid (@jtrain56) is a comedian and one of the “Bros” at HeTexted.com. HeTexted is a site where girls can get advice on the texts they receive from guys. Every Thursday on PostGradProblems Jared will answer one of the questions from his HeTexted mailbag. These are real questions from real girls visiting the site each day. If you have any of your own dating questions go to www.HeTexted.com and ask Jared or any of the other Bros that fit your particular situation.
Q. Jared, I just got out of a relationship and I’m ready to meet some new guys. I’m going to join an online dating site but I have no idea what to write for my profile. It’s really awkward to write about yourself and the whole thing makes me feel dumb. Any tips?
I’m a proponent of online dating. The haters are usually girls with boyfriends from college. They have silent missionary sex (eyes closed) on top of a towel (they have nice sheets). And their most exciting conversation is about how game night could have been better if the dip was in a nicer bowl. They hate on the idea of online dating because it goes against their bubbled lifestyle. You’re taking the chance they won’t. Take a second to look at the positives of online dating: you get to meet new people, go to a new place, and you have the opportunity to get “reps.” Those “reps” are the most important part. The beauty of living in a time where marriage isn’t decided because your dad’s farm needs a cow is that we can go on dates and form taste. Sure, a date might not go the way you want, but at least you know guys who say they left their job to “start a funny T-shirt company” aren’t your type.
There are two types of bios that I see and that I absolutely can’t stand:
“I hate talking about myself and this feels weird. So just message me.”
“Hey Guys! I’m Jackie, I love my family and my friends but I’m still looking for that guy who likes to go out but can also do a night on the couch in sweats (watching “Glee,” my favorite! I know, so dumb). I love traveling and my dog, so if you don’t like those two things you better look elsewhere. I’m pretty down to earth and want to meet someone on the same level. Send me a message but only if you are DRAMA FREE! ;)”
These people are doing it wrong. These two examples are really how 90 percent of online bios are written. The first one is basically, “Message me if you got a boner from my profile picture from two years ago,” and the second one is, “I’m looking for a guy who likes going out, watching TV, dogs, and traveling. Also I love my family and friends.” Who doesn’t like those things? What guy did you just eliminate? Who assumes someone doesn’t love their family and friends? That’s the worst person ever:
“Hey, I’m Jared and I hate my parents and friends (I hope you do too). On weekends, I never go out. If I’m at home, I’m sitting on a folding chair (no couches please) while wearing really hard jeans. Also, traveling is the worst (I hate seeing new things) and there’s nothing worse than a puppy. So, message me if you plan on bringing da drama!”
The negative person will read this column and say, “Internet dating sites are all about looks.” You know what else is all about looks? Life. Go on Instagram and check out how many people follow fitness models. I can promise you two million people didn’t follow Jenn Selter for the inspirational quotes. The fact is, you have more of a chance to differentiate yourself in an online profile with your bio section than you would at a bar. But so often I see girls wasting that opportunity. I’ve been that guy. The one who “felt dumb” and wrote the “cool” bio. The minute I made that part of the profile more “me” was the minute I started having better dates.
My advice to anyone creating his or her online dating profile is to not act like the kid whose parents forced him to go to fat camp. He’s not too good for fat camp because he’s fat and you’re not too cool to online date because you’re on the site. Create a bio that says you’re confident and excited to meet someone new, and put in small details like how you hate the people who take up all the space at the milk and sugar station at Starbucks, or that you’ve never watched “Breaking Bad” and you don’t care what people think about it. The more you put in, the more you can eliminate the guys who are a waste of time. And I promise you–the guy you meet won’t have an anti-puppy policy.
Jared Freid is a comedian and HeTexted “Bro” based in NYC. You can ask him dating questions at HeTexted.com or find him on Twitter (@JTrain56) for weekly columns, podcasts, and videos.