Jared Freid (@jtrain56) is a comedian and one of the “Bros” at HeTexted.com. HeTexted is a site where girls can get advice on the texts they receive from guys. Every Thursday on PostGradProblems Jared will answer one of the questions from his HeTexted mailbag. These are real questions from real girls visiting the site each day. If you have any of your own dating questions go to www.HeTexted.com and ask Jared or any of the other Bros that fit your particular situation.
Q. I’ve been working at this firm for four months. Me and this guy would exchange a few remarks here and there but it wasn’t until our christmas party that he asked me out. Its been 2 and half weeks since we started going out and we ended up sleeping together. Recently we had this exchange:
Me: You looked nice today 🙂 Look at you lol
Him: Really? That’s my rain suit. I wear it on crappy days like today.
Me: Lol! Yea you looked nice. I like a black suit.
Him: Ya everyone said I looked handsome. Style.
Me: Yea you did. I agree.
Him: Thanks dude!
What does it mean when he calls me “Dude?” Is there any way to make it clear I’m not looking to be just a hook up without looking crazy?
People get into work relationships for the same reason they strangle themselves while they masturbate, it’s so dangerous that it’s hot. I know that’s a weird way to start this off but there’s really no other reason than adrenaline to get into something with a coworker. Think about it. Sure things could work out but it’s more likely that they won’t. It’s more likely to have your office sweetheart get on the office intercom and announce that you’re a one-pump chump who can’t commit than it is that you two will be the Jim and Pam of the office walking down the aisle and exchanging each other’s key cards. An office romance can happen, but the guy will always try to keep things casual for as long as possible.
This guy’s way of keeping things casual is by calling you “Dude.” Guys call girls “Dude” or “Man” or any other name they’ve called someone they’ve recently high fived to not-so-subtly tell a girl where things stand. It’s like a tap on the brakes. Yes, you’ve had a couple of dates and seen each other’s genitals, but I held your hand because it was the right thing to do and you’re not meeting my brother. The beauty of a thing like calling a girl dude is that girls are so worried about being considered crazy that they won’t call us out. They sit there wondering, “What does “dude” mean?” and “Why’d he call his buddy Rob “dude” too?” and “Is Rob better than me at blowjobs?” And at some point they turn into this opponent in Mortal Kombat who’s swaying around like they’re ready to be finished. They spend so much time on the subject of “dude” that it gives the guy enough time to be casual and make a decision.
If I’m this girl, I realize that, for now, he wants this to be casual. That could be for a number of reasons. Maybe he’s not that into it or, he swipes on Tinder for 20 minutes a day or, in my opinion, it’s probably because office relationships are scary and he’s treading very lightly on company time. Whatever it may be, know that’s where he is and having sex won’t make him feel like this is more serious. Sex to him is just a part of casually dating in his 20s. You don’t have to be a part of that. So go out with him and don’t have sex. If he wonders why, then acknowledge that the sex was fun but you’re looking to take things slow. “Take things slow” is the girl version of a guy calling a girl “Dude.” You’re saying, “I’m down to hook up if it’s going somewhere.” If there’s a next date, then you’re slowly moving towards the same page.
Jared Freid is a comedian and HeTexted “Bro” based in NYC. You can ask him dating questions at HeTexted.com or find him on Twitter (@JTrain56) for weekly columns, podcasts, and videos.