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The PGP Therapy Happy Hour

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PGP can be depressing sometimes. I get it. At least we try to be funny, though. Going from the freedom of college to being a slave to “The Man” isn’t exactly the kind of life we envisioned for ourselves. The good news here is that this isn’t permanent…hopefully. But let’s not forget, you actively chose this lifestyle. If you wanted to be a fireman or a pilot or a person who tames wild stallions, you could literally go do that. However, this is America, the land of bitching about your problems to other people in the hopes of said people solving those problems for you. Luckily for you, Dr. Bri-Guy is here to answer your problems. I’ll take a handful of the most depressing PGP one-liners each week and do my best to cheer you up. Let’s get our hands dirty.

Constantly being on the verge of a meltdown. PGP.

This is a classic Peej (the Grandex in-office shorthand for PGP) one-liner. Your life sucks. You’re up against the ropes. The world is crumbling around you and you don’t have anywhere to turn except to a random Internet site to tell people you’re constantly on the verge of a breakdown. If you were really on the verge of a breakdown, you wouldn’t be able to type out of sheer panic, because any kind of body movement would send you into a terrifying downward spiral of anxiety and complete bladder failure. Sounds to me like you’re overreacting.

The feeling of disappointment when you pull into the parking lot and see that your office did not burn down overnight. PGP.

This is an all too common fantasy: pulling up to your job only to find your office is en fuego. You’d likely pretend to be concerned as you and your coworkers look on in horror–but you see free vacation days and insurance money in your future. In reality, the powers are already on the hunt for temporary offices to put you up in for the day, as well as the foreseeable future. You’ll likely share a desk with somebody, and you’ll soon miss your spacious 7×7 cubicle you once called home. Be careful what you wish for.

Shit, I’m going to be doing this for the next 40 years. PGP.

This is probably the most common, terrifying realization any postgrad can have. I had a panic attack of epic proportions after one of my paychecks yet again failed to cover my expenses–I was left without money for two weeks and literally lived off PB&J sandies for two weeks until I finally got my feet underneath me. The good news is that you’re more than likely NOT going to be doing this for the next 40 years. You’ll eventually sell out and take a higher paying job that you hate even more than your current one. Then one day, you’ll inevitably be replaced by someone younger than you when you’re just a few years away from retirement. That’s what you’ll be doing for the next 40 years. Plus, everyone and their cousin will have a master’s degree by then, so you’ll probably be even more replaceable than you are now!

For Lent, I’m giving up. Like in general, just giving up. PGP.

Yeah, but think of all the nothing you can accomplish in 40 days. Plus, if you were smart and saved up some money, you can make that stretch for a month and a half while you pursue your dream of doing nothing. Life begins when you surrender yourself. Winston Churchill said that.

Getting excited when you’re selected for jury duty and get to miss work. PGP.

You have issues. You’re about to to sit through the whole voir dire process of either an incredibly boring breaking and entering case or a double murder. Pick your poison. Get bored to death or hear about death for the next several weeks of your life. Jury duty is, by far, worse than work. Then again, if you work for a company with a shred of integrity, they’ll pay you while you’re at jury duty. And let’s not forget about that $6.34 check you’re going to get from the county tax office in six months. Don’t spend it all in one place.

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Brian McGannon

What do I love? I love happy hour, a good golf tan, and getting moderately drunk during dinner.

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