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The Pathetic, Degenerate Things Your Friends Will Do The Summer After Graduation

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It has been said that the first year out of college is one of the most depressing and hardest years of your life. Actually, I made that up, but so far it’s pretty true. It’s been almost three months since graduation, and with every post, tweet, and overheard conversation about going back to school, it’s hard not to die a little inside. Combine that with every person who tries to comfort you with a good, old, “it’s okay, you’re only three months out, you’ll figure it out” and you have one completely miserable young adult. What should comfort you is that everyone in your friend group feels the exact same way. While you may not all be on the same path, you can all agree that every single one of you is completely miserable. In case you haven’t checked up on your friends, here is your friend group three months out of school.

The One Who Forgot He Graduated
Remember our summer breaks, where we’d just fuck around the whole time knowing the kingdom of college awaited us? This guy still lives like that. The earliest he wakes up every day is noon, making the hard decision of whether to hit the gym or lie in bed a little longer and catch up on SportsCenter. He lives off of his parents’ generosity, and maybe checks job listings once a week. Maybe. Since he lives at home, uses his parents’ money, and doesn’t have a job to wake up for, he can go out whenever he wants, but since the majority of his friends don’t have any of those luxuries, he ends up drinking alone, often snapchatting the same friends who refused to go out with him. His stories all have something to do with going out and hitting on girls, and they always end with, “…and nothing transpired.” Someone remind this kid that we’ve graduated, because apparently he didn’t get the memo.

The One Who’s Unemployed And In Denial
In contrast to the above person, this kid is miserable. She went back home to work a summer job, and now that summer is almost over, she has no idea what she’s going to do. Her parents won’t support her, so she lives at home and is slightly panicked that she is about to be unemployed. Her degree is something that definitely requires at least a master’s in order to get a legitimate job in that field, but the thought of more school and debt makes her want to vomit. Instead of talking about it and coming to terms with hitting rock bottom, she’ll crack jokes and push the attention away from her problems. Her joke repertoire includes stories from her current job, such as, “The bright side of never going out is my nonexistent tolerance!” and she often retells stories from college. While everyone secretly hates the guy above, everyone is rooting for this girl to get it together, because at least she’s miserable like the rest of us, damn it.

The One Who’s Going To Grad School 
She’s avoiding the real world and her student loans for another few years, but she knows “going back to school” is not the exciting kind that inspired countdowns when in undergrad. She most likely has a job, whether it’s a legitimate desk job or nannying. Balancing schoolwork, regular work, and, well, her life has made her go completely insane. If she lives at home, she lives for the weekends and the college reunions, just as a reminder that there is life beyond this tough time. If she moved out, she begs people to come visit so she can show she “really is doing alright, guys!!!! Really!!!” Everyone says they’ll come visit her, but they get so tied up with their own lives that they just won’t have time to make it (except for The One Who Forgot He Graduated–he’ll be down every weekend). At get togethers, the grad school kids will flock together, because they are the only ones who actually understand each other. They’ll also bring Natty Light, saying they’re trying to be ironic, but it’s all they can really afford right now.

The One Who’s A Bartender/Server 
Yes, he’s a part of the real world in that he has a job, pay bills, and yadda, yadda, yadda, but he also wakes up at noon because he doesn’t have to be at work until 4 p.m. His schedule is completely different than everyone else’s, with his “weekends” being on Mondays and Tuesdays, and his Friday on Sunday. He has the best stories about the people he encounters while working, but unless you’re a fellow bartender or server or you’ve worked as a one, it’ll get old really fast. He’ll also constantly bitch about his coworkers, because he sees them more than anyone else. Being surrounded by idiot college kids and people who never made it to college has made him cynical, so he’s constantly on the hunt for a new job. His tolerance is just as good as it was in college, because he goes out for after-shift drinks to numb the pain of his job almost every night. He makes awesome drinks at get togethers to the relief of everyone else who left Natty Light in college. He puts on a front at first, saying life is great, tips are great, and stuff like that, but after a few shots and few drinks, he’ll start to open up about how much he hates his job, how the restaurant he works in is run by a bunch of idiots, and that he wishes he never graduated.

The One Who’s Making It
You either love this guy or hate him–there’s no in-between. He could be the nicest guy in the entire world who doesn’t brag about his awesome fucking job and agrees to let you know if there are any openings. This guy also knows how to have a good time, is fun to be around, and basically keeps any party from turning into a “my life sucks more than your life” competition. He casually invites people over to his place, and most people take him up on it, or at least try to. On the other hand, this guy could be the biggest fucking asshole in the world. Seriously, fuck this guy. You invite him to get togethers because he was cool in college, but now because he was lucky enough to get a job offer the week before graduation, he thinks he’s Donald Trump amongst a group of interns. When people bitch and moan about any faucet of their life, he’s the one saying, “Glad I don’t have THAT problem, haha!” Whenever this guy isn’t in the room, you and your friends bitch about how much you hate him. He has to be miserable about SOMETHING, dammit.

The One Who’s Given Up
She’s drunk when she arrives, she drinks continuously when you see her, and, although you left while she was slumbering on the couch, she’s still semi-drunk when she wakes up. She applies to at least five jobs a week, but nothing has worked out for her yet. She hates her life and her favorite topic of conversation is how pumped she is for the first home football game. You can already see her being the alumna that everyone wonders if she actually graduated because she’s there so much. It doesn’t help that she’s applying for a job at your alma mater, either. She makes jokes about her life, and although they’re hilarious at first, they start to turn depressing really quick. She’s bound to get into a fight with The One Who’s Making It. She’ll probably scream, “YOU AIN’T BETTER’N ME!” which you’ll let happen, because fuck that asshole. You love her, you feel bad for her, and you’re thankful you aren’t her.

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Hakuna Moscato

Hakuna Moscato (@HakunaMoscato) is a contributing writer for Post Grad Problems. She's a retired student-athlete and sorority girl just trying to learn how to adult. She's deeply in love with Baltimore sports and beach bars, and wonders if it's possible to love a man as much as either of those. You can read her reminiscing her college days over on Total Sorority Move.

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