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The Path To Becoming Socially Jaded

Sad-Keanu

There are some great flicks on Friday night television. Getting drunk texted when you’re sober can be either empowering or annoying, depending on the sender’s gender. You know, it’s actually possible to start your Saturday before noon. What? Oh, right. Context. Sorry, I was so busy trying to pull you readers in that I forgot you need your precious context. For those of you still with me, I was just thinking about all the different realizations I’ve had since my FOMO–it stands for “fear of missing out,” Mom–disappeared.

In short, I’ve become socially jaded. (No, Mom, this does not mean I’m depressed. I swear to God if you don’t stop reading my columns I’m not coming to Christmas this year.) The aforementioned realizations make it sound like this is a good type of jaded to be, but if you’re like me, this unfamiliar feeling is not necessarily a good one. Having been one of those “you can retake a class but you can’t relive a party” douchebags who made all of you who stayed in every now and then back in your college days feel bad about doing so, you’ll be happy to know karma has found me. You aced your tests and are probably now in graduate school on your way to earning masters, doctorates, and medical degrees. Meanwhile, I’m partied out and now watching “Bridesmaids” for the second time today. (Side Note: Is this movie supposed to be a comedy or a drama?)

To put things into perspective, I missed two weekends going out in college: one was freshman year because I was close to dying (I wasn’t) of a virus, compliments of the cesspools we call college dorms. The second time missing a weekend didn’t come until senior year, when I went out of town for a funeral, which, purely by default, also happened to be the second time in which my nema didn’t recognize me. That joke was in poor taste. Sorry, Nema—RIP up there.

Anyway, as I was saying, experiencing this lack of FOMO, this newfound feeling of social boredom is not only new, but also unnerving to me. Likely, anyone else in the same boat would agree with me. While I sort of see why ladies enjoy their “Girls’ Nights In!” it’s not even that staying in is all that amazing–the more unnerving aspect is simply that going out is no longer amazing. Only adding insult to injury is when you realize those same girls now go out more than you do. Yep, that definitely strikes a chord.

So what can we do about it come Friday? Just pop a bottle, pour, and swallow? Well, personally, I already do that regardless of going out–and regardless of what night of the week it is. No, I’m thinking something else needs to be done to spice things up. What I’m thinking is why don’t we (the continued use of “we” is me pretending I’m not alone in this first world predicament) use this social apathy in a manner akin to the famous Opposite George from that “Seinfeld” episode? For George Costanza, this meant acknowledging what your typical social behavior would be, but then doing the complete opposite. Sort of like a “no holds barred” disregard for the status quo of acting passive-aggressive (coming to you from Seattle, where passive-aggressiveness is worse than the rain in this city).

For instance, if you see a girl you haven’t seen in a while, instead of saying, “How’s it going? You look good, it’s been too long!” say, “Hey, you look good. Have you been…trying?”

Or instead of picking out people on the bar’s ratchet dance floor to laugh at from afar, buy a round of shots–all for yourself–and go be the person laughed at.

Perhaps if you’ve got a bridge with a member of the opposite sex you never get to travel on anyway, don’t keep building it up for nothing. Burn it. (Huge advocate of this one.)

Ask a girl if she wants to buy YOU a drink. Or, if you’re a girl, ask a guy if you can buy HIM a drink.

Forgive me, I’m just spitballing here. But you get the jist of it. If you can come up with better ones to try, feel free to add them in the comments section. Bottom line is, if you’re socially jaded like I am, don’t give in to the apathy of staying in and watching “Bridesmaids” this weekend. Instead, go out and sublimate that apathy by applying it in public. Or don’t–I’m just some dude on the Internet you’ve never met. You can always wait until early next week, when I let you know how it worked out for me. Either way, just don’t watch “Bridesmaids.”

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David Hoover

David Hoover (DHoov206) is a Seattle native who frequently pretends he is Macklemore's younger brother. He talks in the 3rd person because he's arrogant, and was once voluntarily questioned by the FBI in regards to something he tweeted. Gonzaga University alumnus of '13. (Well, he might be short a class but he's convinced no one actually checks for diplomas.)

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