Guys and girls, gather ‘round because I have some life changing information for you. Many of you may already know this, but for those of you who are ballin’ on a budget but want to appear like you have your culinary skills together, listen up. What if I told you one of the greatest modern marvels is less than $25? You’d laugh at me and say, “There is no way!” and I’d tell you, “Way.” What I’m talking about, of course, is the Panini press.
I make some pretty damn good food. Often people will ask me, “What’s a great gadget or tool for the kitchen?” and without fail, I tell them, “The best money I ever spent in kitchen gadgets (assuming you have a crock pot already because everyone has one) is the Panini press.
I use my Panini press at least three times a week. Breakfast burritos for dinner? Throw that shit on the press and you have the tortilla all crispy. Want grilled cheese quick? Panini press has you covered and it’s done in less time than it took you to throw some cheese on bread without the after guilt of slathering everything in butter. Then, of course, any sandwich is made better when it’s grilled.
I’m sick of people mixing up their bullshit George Foreman with a Panini press. “Bernie, I already have a George Foreman grill!” Fuck that bald headed fuck and his stupid grill. Someone bought me a George Foreman grill once and I threw it in the garbage on principle. Everyone knows when the M-1 Garand clip finishes its 8th round with the famous “ping,” just like the Panini press’s famous sizzle. When it sizzles, you know that shit is ready for consumption. No guesswork, no games… all evenly cooked greatness.
Like anything, you can spend an arm and a leg on some high end Panini press, but why? The one I got was $19.99 at Kroger. I’ve had it for like three years and I’ve reheated many a waffle or pizza, and I’ve even toasted a few bagels with it because it takes the sandwich to another level. It is stainless steel and much better quality than those plastic pieces of shit George Foreman imposters that are gunky and chip on the grill part. Enjoy “grilling” your stupid black bean “burger” with Teflon flakes, you heathen.
What really sold me on the Panini press was one day I was drunk as shit watching some Dr. Steve Brule. I have always admired his dedication to giving solid news and wanton disregard for the rules to do so. On this particular episode, he was a guest trying out a Panini press. I was pretty hungry and envied his sandwich. I don’t want to spoil the episode, which I have generously embedded for you below, but I was quite disappointed when I had all the ingredients downstairs for a bomb ass Panini but no press to grill it with.
Since then, I have become an outspoken advocate for the Panini press. As a Panini press missionary, I want to make sure no one goes without and spread the word of pure, true love that is the Panini press. Maybe someday, our own writer Cashback will get one so he doesn’t have to subsist solely on Stouffer’s Lasagna, not that there’s anything wrong with that.
If you’ve ever eaten a soggy burrito or ever had a cold sandwich wondering if there was more to life, then you need a Panini press. Rather than wait forever for your oven to heat up, my Kroger-bought press is ready to roll before I even have what I want ready to go. To quote Dr. Evil, “Every creature deserves a warm meal,” whether it’s sharks with laser beams or a broke postgrad trying to get through this life. Do yourself a favor and get yourself a damn Panini press. You’ll thank me later. .