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The Outfits You Tried To Pull Off At Your First Job

There are plenty of questions you’ll have in your first year out of college. What are taxes? How much do they take out of my paycheck? And that’s legal? What do I do with my hair in the morning? What do I wear to work everyday? That last question is the most confusing for postgrads. Your wardrobe once consisted of party clothes, free t-shirts and sweatpants. You only got dressed up for the rare formal event, wedding or funeral. If you were one of those people who dressed up for class, you can kindly go fuck yourself.

The Prune

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You don’t own an iron or an ironing board or anything that might facilitate ironing and you haven’t done laundry in weeks. You threw on a shirt from the bottom of your hamper and tried to pass it off. You didn’t pass it off. Your coworkers were talking behind your back all day, and it’s probably still a popular lunch conversation topic to this day.

Too Much Effort Ensemble

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You dress pretty fancy for someone who makes $28k/year and drives a Volvo not from this century.

The Overdresser

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You dress pretty fancy for someone who goes to work in an office park next to a Popeye’s.

The Wannabe Manhattanite

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I know it’s your dream to go work in the Big Apple one day, but let’s remember that you’re not in the big city yet. You’re working for a third-tier car rental company in Wichita.

“Forgot to get change at the grocery store last night.”

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If you haven’t worn dirty clothes to work at least once in your life, then you’re probably some sort of wizard that has cast some sort of stain repellent spell on all your clothes.

The Dad Tailgate Special

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Normally, I respect any sort of “dad” look. Tevas with tube socks, Land’s End chino shorts with a 10-inch inseam and a Tommy Bahama shirt, or the gameday staple: the coach’s polo and slacks. This is the most put-together you probably ever looked at work, considering your gameday golf polo had been hidden away in the back of your closet until you decided to unleash it on the office and fly your colors proudly.

Your Car Payment

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You dress pretty fancy for someone who’s gonna have their car towed out of the lot in front of the entire office later next month because they dropped a couple bills they didn’t have on some new work threads..

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Brian McGannon

What do I love? I love happy hour, a good golf tan, and getting moderately drunk during dinner.

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