Maybe because it’s the 33rd personalized cover letter you’ve meticulously crafted, maybe it’s because your brain can’t handle Adderall at 2:00am quite like it used to, but as you carefully position the job description window and your résumé to fit along side your blank Word document, you say, “Fuck it, I’m gonna give these assholes something to read this time.”
And so begins the “Opposite George” cover letter. It’s the opposite of the cover letter you’d normally write.
You start it off with an attention-grabber, just like your teachers taught you to. Granted, it was 5th grade and for a creative story about a talking toucan (Pixar, I’m coming for ya!), but hell, you’re going to make sure this prick at HR reads this last-goddamn-resort top to bottom.
“Dear Gary in HR,”
It’s a long shot, but you give it a one in ten this dude’s name is Gary.
“Honestly, you probably want to be reading this about as much I want to be writing it, but market price for Addy is a helluva lot steeper when you’re buying it off little high school twerps back home, so I expect your undivided attention.”
Yeah, you’re definitely not getting this job. Gary’s a stiff; no way he condones prescription drug abuse.
“I think I saw your company’s posting for this position somewhere online, but between the newspaper cutouts my mom leaves by my cereal while muttering something along the lines of ‘piece of shit’ under her breath, and my ex-slam Facebook-ing me links to posts on LinkedIn and Monster.com, I tend to lose track of where I came across all these career ‘opportunities.’ I write ‘opportunities’ in quotes because let’s be honest Gary,”
Seriously doubting his name’s Gary.
“…my application was tossed aside the minute you saw it was emailed from my firstname.lastname@example.org email account I’ve had since high school.”
Did we ever find out what the Smoke Monster was?
“The only ‘opportunity’ this is, is the opportunity for you to feel high and mighty by dismissing my gravely under-qualified résumé so you can postpone the stark realization that you more closely resemble the traits of Toby Flenderson from The Office than you do a suitable father to your son that your estranged wife, probably a ‘Dolores’ or a ‘Skyler,’ resents you for turning gay—not that there’s anything wrong with that.”
Hopefully Gary picks up on the subtle Seinfeld references and pulls a ‘Steinbrenner.’
“Though, being my 33rd cover letter, give or take five, I still have no idea what the proper format expected from qualified jobs seekers is, but you know what Gary?”
Is pausing for effect limited to speeches?
“I am not a qualified job seeker—on paper. (Nor am I mentally unstable, I promise). What I am is a recent grad from an expensive institution who will do whatever is reasonably necessary to grow this company’s value while making a buck for myself. Evident by my unwavering attempts at finding a job despite excessive and demoralizing rejections,”
Like seriously, I thought Target was supposed to be a sure thing.
“…my motivation does not run out, nor will it if you offer me this job.”
Gary didn’t offer me that job.