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The Old Balls Club Membership Brochure

Welcome!

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Congratulations! You’ve been pre-approved for membership to the Old Balls Club. Our program is entering its 27th year of existence. Established in 1987, The OBC has championed the effort to make people in their 20s smoothly transition to the adult world. Now you’re probably asking yourself, “Where did all the time go?” or “Why am I tired when I wake up?” That’s where we come in.

Benefits Program

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Our benefits program is tailored specifically for you. We have the best interests of our members in mind and our benefits specialists will team up with you to figure out which benefits structure is best suited for you. Our benefits packages come in three levels:

Entry-Level Package ($30/month):
-Netflix Instant subscription.
-Six-month Golf Digest subscription.
-Membership to the OBC’s “Import Six-Pack of the Month” club.
-$10 credit to driving range of your choice.

Forever Young Package ($45/month):
-12-pack of Nike MOJO golf balls delivered to your door every month.
-One new friend, assigned by personality matching quiz upon membership approval.
-One bottle of One-a-Day Men’s every four months.
-Membership to Yellow Tail’s wine-of-the-month club.

Fountain of Youth Package ($75/month):
-TWO new friends.
-Jiffy Lube oil change upgrade package.
-$25 monthly credit to Jos. A. Bank.
-Admission to the OBC’s mentoring program, where you’ll be paired with a miserable, yet charming senior member who will guide you in your journey to independent adulthood.
-A used Cleveland utility wedge after three months.

Events

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At the OBC, we have several yearly events that are sure to please even the most fun-hating, newly bitter members of adult society.

-Your apartment complex’s summer ice cream social.
-Wedding Season time management and budgeting lectures. (Dates TBA)
-Grief counseling.
-Exercise and Fitness expo featuring the latest in Bowflex and NordicTracker tech.
-Golf with your boss.
-Annual Tax Day Happy Hour, featuring a live-streamed performance from Sarah McLachlan!
-Bi-monthly “Your New Puppy & You” information seminar for new dog parents.

Membership Qualifications

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-Must be 23 years old.
-Annual minimum income of $30,000.
-Current medical physical from a doctor who wasn’t your pediatrician.
-Recommendation letters from three current members.
-Golf handicap lower than 25.

Notable Members

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-Guy who has several country club connects.
-Sales rep from Men’s Wearhouse.
-A kid whose dad owns a dealership.
-Gary from accounting.
-Bruce Hornsby’s nephew.
-David Wells.

Admission Process

Once we receive your application, you will be placed on a two-month wait list while we review your application for membership by our board of curators. Each board member carefully reviews each and every application. Upon acceptance, the strenuous, three-round interview process begins. Your first interview will be with the friendliest guy in the club, who will make you feel welcome and accepted, because that’s all you really want out of life. The second round is with your father, where he will berate you about what you are doing with your life. The board will be watching behind a one-way mirror, grading your performance. The third interview round will be a 48-hour weekend interview with one of our resident alcoholics. If you survive the weekend, then the board will move that your application be approved.

We hope to see you soon!

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Brian McGannon

What do I love? I love happy hour, a good golf tan, and getting moderately drunk during dinner.

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