Unless you’ve been trapped under a pile of crumbling rubble, chances are you have at least heard about Miley Cyrus’ new song, “Wrecking Ball.” The video currently has over 16 million views, and it came out yesterday. After what was perhaps one of the all-time worst routines a person ever performed at the VMAs, and one of the ugliest haircuts known to man (and especially woman), the bar was set pretty low here. Classic “child star falling off the rails in a desperate plea for relevancy and attention” type stuff, as one could predict. However, don’t even think that you’re above it. If you haven’t heard the song or seen the video, both are absolutely necessary. Just be sure it’s loud enough for the entire office to hear.
Well, between licking a phallic sledgehammer, riding a literal wrecking ball in the nude, and crying just a little too close to the camera, presumably about Thor’s younger brother, the attention seeking is definitely as prevalent as ever. Still, for better or worse, Miley had managed to transcend her atrocious dancing, rise above her lack of womanly curves, and deliver a legitimate “banger.” In my humble opinion, she absolutely nailed it, and I am definitely not, or at least definitely wasn’t, a Miley Cyrus fan.
What’s far more interesting however is that my entire company, from the youngest to the oldest, is in cubical-spanning and office to office discussion over this event. I have yet to hear one word of Syria, or even a comment about Ylvis’s “The Fox,” but you would think the walls were literally being knocked over here with the variety of opinions and reactions to what I can only assume is a monumental end of summer event. So, only an hour into my arrival, here some of the reactions to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball” that I have heard so far around the office:
Me: “She killed it.”
Listen, pop music isn’t my first choice, and if Miley hadn’t hacked her hair off and twerked at the VMAs there’s a solid chance I wouldn’t have even clicked on the video. However, if you can’t recognize a song prime-made for a rager, especially if it gets remixed, then I can’t help you. The video went hard too. First off, “sledgehammer” is already my nickname for my penis, so I appreciated the personal touch, and I thought she looked legitimately sexy, albeit in an extremely trashy way. A week ago, Miley Cyrus is not sexy. Today? She’s trailer-park-hot and made a song I can party to. I made sure to tell everyone about both of these.
My Very Religious Boss: “If she was my daughter, I would literally kill her.”
Of course, describing her new “trashy hot” status out loud to the office may not have been the best idea. One of my bosses, who is very religious, hence the name “my very religious boss,” couldn’t quite understand the concept. Of course as I showed him the video I explained it to him as, “the girl who you would never take home to mom but you would always take home drunk at 2:00am,” but I don’t think it helped my cause. That said, I guarantee that also mentioning how I kind of thought she looked like a dude prior to the video didn’t help at all. He might only have sons, but given their age range, I’m sure they’ve been well aware of Miley for years.
My Administrative Assistant: “The song is great. The video, not so much.”
My administrative assistant, a girl only a couple years younger than I am, went against the “best of both worlds” approach. She readily admitted to being unable to stop listening to the song, but turned her nose up to the video contents. My admin, a good looking Jewish girl with a friendly personality, is the opposite of “skanky hot” and someone who would definitely deserve a mom meeting. My attempt at arguing that the oversexed display was “artistic” to save face was half-hearted at best but she made a point to bring up a couple times that I like sledgehammers being licked and naked girls riding around on construction equipment. I’m happy our relationship is growing more honest.
The Crazy Old Guy: “She is a rather attractive girl. Don’t really care for the song though.”
How does this guy even know who Miley Cyrus is? He doesn’t have kids in the right age range, he certainly isn’t a fan of modern pop music himself, but there is a strong chance that with the right prescription he would have sex with his desk so he is on top of it, metaphorically of course, when it matters. Of course, it helps that at least half of his day consists of watching YouTube videos or sleeping in his office with the door closed. I’m betting he’ll be watching this one on repeat with the sound off. Look for the view count to increase exponentially.
My Insecure Boss: “There wasn’t one instrument. Does she even have talent?”
Naturally my insecure boss attacks her talent as a musician. While he may have a point on some level, singing is definitely a musical talent and being slutty on camera isn’t something you just wing. Unfortunately for me, with his layers of unfounded self-doubt, 6 foot 3 frame, sagging gut, and pimple-cratered horse face, I’m sure my boss thinking to himself that he could lick that sledgehammer better and look better naked on that wrecking ball. Fortunately for you, now that I have ruined any chance of masturbatory appeal to the video, you can judge the song entirely on musical impact.
Now, my office is locked in heated debate, a row brought on by a song and a video that lacks defined sides or an obvious outcome other than I’m sure everyone is judging me on some level.
“I never meant to start a war
I just wanted you to let me in
And instead of using force
I guess I should’ve let you win
I never meant to start a war
I just wanted you to let me in
I guess I should’ve let you win”
Oh but you started a war, Miley, and my office will never be the same again.