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The Office Memo I Wish I Could Send: I Dyed My Hair

 

ny-hairfluff

I work in an office with ten other full-time employees, and a few interns. All of them are men, which for lack of a better word, sucks. I spend the majority of my time in an establishment completely devoid of gossip, fashion, and tampons (which has proven to be quite inconvenient when I forget to refill my work supply). Recently, I made a big change in my appearance. I dyed my hair from what one would consider “almost black” to “kind of blonde.” It’s something I’ve been talking about doing for years, but nerves always held me back. I finally took the plunge.

I was anxious to come into work the next day. I wondered what they’d all say. They’d be the first people to see my new ‘do in the flesh, and I was desperate for feedback. I walked in, nearly giggling to myself, as I felt silly pretending that it was the same old me.

No one noticed. NO. ONE. I tried to make my presence known. Threw an extra hair flip or two in there. Nothing. Now, I’ve had to get accustomed to the fact that no one will ever notice my cute new shoes, or a particularly well-accessorized outfit. No one will notice that I got a little color over the weekend, and no one will notice when I’ve lost five pounds. But the color of my hair — I really thought that even with their man eyes, they’d be able to see the difference. Here is the email I wish I’d sent the day before I went to the hair salon. I will be sending comparable emails regarding all major changes to my wardrobe and/or appearance in the future.

From: veronica@grandex.co
To: Grandex Team
Subject: ATTN: My Hair

All,

I’m writing to inform you of some changes that will be made, affecting largely the in-house staff. Recent developments (me not getting enough attention at bars), have made us aware that we need to make some improvements to increase revenue. After acquiring and evaluating some empirical data, we have decided that it is urgent for the “me” department to merge with “blondes.” Research has shown that “blondes” produce a higher turnover rate in social settings (i.e. new potential suitors approach quickly post-rejection of former potential suitors).

As blondes were formerly considered my department’s competition — rival, even — this may be surprising to many of you, but after weighing the options, we’ve decided this is the best move for both the “me” department, and for the company as a whole. The merger is already underway. My hair, formerly described as “almost black” will be moving to “kind of blonde.” This change will be effective immediately.

In addition to the merger, we will also be making some cutbacks, more specifically, some additional layers, face-shaping, and four inches from the overall length. This will make a significant impact on the overall aesthetics of the “me” department, but we think it will ultimately increase performance and the overall appeal of our product. This change will also be effective immediately.

As a 24-year-old company, having pledged loyalty to “team brunette” since we were founded in 1989, understand that this is a major development. We ask that you please take the necessary precautions to ensure that this transition is as smooth as possible for all parties involved. Your best line of action from this point forward would be a ton of compliments in order to perpetuate to all that this was a beneficial change, the effects of which are already positive. I’d avoid phrases such as “It looks the same,” “Well, if you like it…” and especially “I liked it better before.”

We’re presently undecided upon the longevity of this change. While we are certain this will be an attractive improvement to investors, we’ve yet to acquire numbers regarding sustenance, but we’ll be certain to let everyone know about the results in productivity in a meeting at the end of this month.

If you have any questions regarding my new hair: where I went to get it done, if I’ve purchased a new shampoo yet, if I was nervous about the big change, what productivity has looked like as a result, or any more questions about why we’ve decided to make this transition, you can contact me directly, or leave a message with my assistant. Thank you all so much for your understanding and your cooperation. With your help, I look forward to taking my self-esteem to the next level.

Regards,

Veronica

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Veronica

Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is a writer, editor and content manager for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays.

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