Many of us can remember a time in our lives when we were able to overcome the devastating effects of a weekend-long bender. However, in the wake of graduation, we were hit with a sad reality: we are no longer invincible. Although we frequently convince ourselves the opposite is true as we commute home Friday afternoon, texting “Soft 6” from the weekend before to see which watering hole she might find herself at that night, we are simply no longer immune to the devastating effects of alcohol. This devastation typically begins with our decision to go out two nights in a row, and ends with a hazy Monday morning. This, my friends, is the multi-day residual hangover.
The Sunday Struggle
After that eighth gin and tonic Saturday night, followed by a slumber party at “Soft 6’s” house, you wake up Sunday morning feeling like Rob Ford at an NA meeting. However, you fight your inner urge to hurl the entire way home, grab your trusted Double Big Gulp filled with your signature cocktail of Gatorade and Emergen-C, and proceed to binge on Breaking Bad until the time you eventually fall asleep. This is only the beginning.
The Mid-Afternoon Munchies
As you wake up in the second haze of the day, your body reminds you that you have yet to indulge on those once tantalizing Topperstix from the Friday night bro down. In a blaze of sheer excitement, you pry yourself from the couch of the for the first time since noon, grab the least dirty plate in the sink, load it with the maximum number of stix possible, microwave while grabbing that Hidden Valley from the fridge, and proceed to chow down. Moments after finishing the last stick, it hits you. At that very moment, you realize the two-day-old stix might as well have been from a month ago. In actuality, these stix were a worse oversight than the girls who decided to dress as the Twin Towers for Halloween. This only amplifies your once moderate hangover by adding indigestion to the mix, making it nearly impossible to do anything aside from laying in a comatose state on the couch until Jessica Simpson’s 30-minute Proactiv special comes on at 2:00am and wakes you up. At this point, you finally decide it’s time for bed.
The Monday “Come to Jesus”
After tossing and turning ever since Nick Lachey’s former wife tried to sell you a face cleanser, your iPhone’s generic “submarine dive” triumphantly sounds at 6:00am. Although the previous day was filled with only bodily aches and pains, your mind felt like nothing was amiss. In fact, quite the opposite is true. For some reason you are now fully incapable of normal cognition. In this moment, you come to the sad realization that you are indeed a victim of this multi-day menace. Congratulations. The best part of it all? This is a sure-fire sign your day will now include at least one “urgent” Monday morning meeting with leadership, or early morning deadline you “forgot” about Friday afternoon while texting “Soft 6.”
Here’s to next weekend.