I get the honor of being a part of weddings almost every weekend by planning and coordinating. This means I have to be sober at all of the weddings I am working. This is a real catch 22 because I have to be sober when no one else is, but I also get to witness some of the most ridiculous things which I remember, because I am sober. Some of these things don’t necessarily involve alcohol because apparently dry weddings are a thing, but all of them are certainly out of the norm. So here is a ranking of some of the most ridiculous things I have witnessed at weddings in my career thus far.
7. The time the DJ brought a date
I get that weddings are a time for young love to blossom (read: people to hook up with strangers) but when you are paid to work at a wedding, you’re not offered a plus one. At a wedding this season one of the DJs who I have never worked with before brought a lady friend. After he was setup, before the reception began, he and his lady friend were slow dancing on an otherwise empty dance floor. After the reception began his lady friend was sitting in a corner while he worked. Is this unusual? Yes. Do I respect the hustle? Absolutely.
Lesson learned: Utilize your resources to impress potential significant others.
6. The time there was a mini horse
Barn weddings are very trendy these days, as seen on every sorority girl’s wedding pinterest board. With barn weddings also comes barn animals. One particular venue I was at had a few horses, chickens, and a mini horse. The mini horse pen was between the reception hall and the parking lot, so of course guests wanted to go say hello to him. The only problem was this particular mini horse was kind of a dick. The groomsmen decided to take pictures in front of its pen, with the horse in the background, but while they were posing for pictures the horse was gnawing on the groomsmen’s rented dress pants. That’s a tough one to explain when you return the suit.
Lesson learned: If you have always dreamed of a barn wedding, you should also dream of the barn animals that come with it.
5. The time the reception lasted 8 hours
Typical wedding receptions are about 4 hours. That is plenty of time for your guests to eat good food, have a piece of cake, and get sufficiently drunk and embarrass themselves. Well let’s add another 4 hours of an open bar and see what happens. In my experience what happens is the caterer runs out of food 45 minutes into the reception, guests continue to get more drunk without sustenance, and weird shit happens. At one point all of the guests along with the bride, groom, and their parents were wearing their dinner napkins on their heads like doo-rags. After the 8 hours, they all walked around the block then had an after party at a local club that only serves 40s of beer. The worst part about this wedding was that I was working it instead of being a guest.
Lesson learned: Don’t wear your dinner napkin as a doo-rag unless you want that to show up in all of your pictures.
4. The time the groom got drunk and almost couldn’t make it down the aisle.
It is the wedding party’s responsibility to make sure the bride and groom are relaxed and have everything they need on their wedding day. Sometimes that involves some alcoholic beverages before the ceremony. 5 shots of whiskey in 10 minutes is probably not the best way to handle this, however. This particular groom got hammered just 2 hours before the ceremony. After forcing coffee and carbs down his throat he sobered up when he saw his bride for the first time. Thankfully he was sober enough to stand in front of 200 of his closest friends and vow to commit to one woman for the rest of his life.
Lesson learned: Be sober enough to sign a legally binding marriage license. Then get drunk at the reception.
3. The time the bride and groom had an x-rated photo shoot during the reception
Once the couple becomes Mr. & Mrs. I’m sure they are more than ready for the wedding night. One couple I encountered was so ready they began to do a pornographic photo shoot while the reception was taking place. The venue was a beautiful, scenic garden that is great for photos, but I’d never encountered those type of photos taken out there. Thankfully the security guard found them instead of me because I would have been so damn awkward telling them to put their clothes back on.
Lesson learned: Save it for the wedding night.
2. The time the father of the bride caused some major property damage
Wedding days are stressful for everyone involved, especially the parents of the bride and the groom. Some people deal with this stress by keeping a bottle of Patron by their side the whole night to take shots. When this happened at a wedding last year, the father of the bride got super drunk and belligerent. He got so mad about nothing that the venue called the police on him. The police detained him in a locked room at the venue, where he proceeded to ‘roid rage and punch out all of the windows in the room. He then blamed it on one of the groomsmen. I guess when all else fails blame your new son-in-law’s friends.
Lesson learned: Don’t do shots of tequila. This is a good rule of thumb for life, not just weddings.
1. The time the groom got arrested
No shit, true story. The Thursday before the wedding (the wedding was on a Saturday) the groom got a little too intoxicated and got in a fight with a local senator’s son. Bad move, sir. He was promptly arrested and kept in jail for 36 hours. During this time he missed his rehearsal and sufficiently pissed off his bride. He showed up (late) straight from jail and put on his tux and went to take first look photos with his bride. When he went to kiss her she gave him the cheek. She went through with the wedding, but did not sign the marriage license and took her maid of honor on their honeymoon. She is now engaged to someone else.
Lesson learned: Don’t get in a bar fight with a senator’s son. And don’t marry someone who gets in bar fights with a senator’s son..