Ever wanted to feel more worthless and uninteresting than you already do? Look no further than your own personal inbox! There is a great collection of items that could write their own Prozac commercial and still have enough left over to write the sequel to “Office Space.” Not only is everything you receive purely promotional bullshit that is in no way personalized to you, but it’s nothing you could actually afford to purchase. Just continue to eat your dry noodle soup and play ocean sounds on your desktop until you’ve convinced yourself you’re doing something worthwhile.
Alumni Donor Requests
By far the most pathetic thing you can open in your inbox is your alma mater sending you the dreaded alumni contributions inquiry. As if living off of Lean Cuisines and powdered drinks isn’t bad enough, your college thinks that you, a person who is barely contributing to society, has money to shovel into some new high tech project that some greedy little chump is going to pee all over after his 2 a.m. walk home from the bars. All you want to do is have enough money left over at the end of the week to get drunk enough to pretend you’re still in college before coming home around 1 a.m. No can do, alumni relations. No can do.
Most of these sites have great intentions, great productions, and great deals for a really great rate. The chances you’ll actually use these deals after you purchase them? Never. You think, “Why, of course I need half carat diamond replica earrings!” or, “I would totally appreciate 76 percent off of Taekwondo lessons!” Unless the deal involves copious amounts of alcohol, you may as well open up your wallet and burn the money right in front of you because you’re never going to use whatever it is you buy.
There isn’t anything more depressing than receiving an email from a travel site. You already know you can’t afford an exotic trip, let alone take off a few days from your desk-ridden job long enough to go anywhere worthwhile. For every email with the subject line, “$750 All Inclusive Golden Beaches on the Amber Coast of the Dominican Republic,” there’s a subline letting you know, “But you have to suck a war lord’s dick and give up half of your life savings.” May as well just set your desktop background as that generic sunset beach photo, because you’re not going anywhere.
Fast Food Promotions
If you didn’t feel bad enough about your mid-20s body, every local fast food delivery services within a 50 mile radius has somehow tapped into the CIA database to get your personal email. They will berate you until you cave into some ridiculous deal of “400 Wings for $40!” that you plan to eat alone in your one bedroom apartment while simultaneously watching E! News and crying. You can pretend to eat healthy while cramming canned vegetables into your mouth and chugged diet soda, but ultimately you’re going to cave and hate yourself a little more.