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The Most Miserable Tidbits From Last Week’s New York Times Vows Section

The Most Miserable Tidbits From Last Week's New York Times Vows Section

Most parents want to see their children grow up and make a difference in the world. Doctors, lawyers, philanthropists. They want to see their kids make a positive impact on the world that they’ll allow them to inherit when their time is up.

While I’m sure my parents are no different, I don’t think they realized the impact I’d have – shaping the tone of The New York Times “Vows” section. The section has largely been referred to as “insufferable,” and for good reason. I’d venture to say that a large amount of their web traffic is from hate-readers rather than fans, and my June breakdown which became widely read only reaffirmed that notion.

Fortunately, as of late, the section has changed. It’s “improved,” so to speak. Not as overwrought, not as miserable to read. And I’d like to take credit for that whether I rightfully should or not.

But the fact still remains – there’s still a lot of insufferableness to be had, and this past week was no different. Here are the worst tidbits from last week’s section.

* * *

First, we have Jenna and Jonathan. Their story is actually cute – he was immediately drawn to her curls and she struggled to understand him on the phone due to his thick accent. So romantic comedy, right? Well their story somewhat took a turn when Jenna divulged the moment she realized she “loved” Jonathan.

He quickly learned that she loved pizza, which she stayed away from during Passover in observance of the holiday’s tradition of not eating bread.

He ordered a large Domino’s pizza with extra cheese and ranch dressing to be delivered to her apartment as soon as the holiday was over, which impressed her even more than she let on.

“Some guys, they send you flowers,” Mr. Grinberg said. “I sent her pizza.”

Ms. Kauffman said that she wanted to tell him then that she loved him, but restrained herself since they had just only met. “So I called my mom,’’ she said. “I told her what he did. We laughed so hard we started to cry.”

They began dating, and the next Passover she sat with him and his friend’s family at Sammy’s Roumanian.

Domino’s pizza. In a city where there’s an estimated 32,000 different places to get pizza, he chose Domino’s. And as if him choosing Domino’s wasn’t suspect enough, it made her fall in love with him. Jenna will forever be known as the girl who was wooed over Domino’s freaking pizza.

* * *

Next, we have Cece and Mauricio. Named as if they actually are from a romantic comedy set in New York City, these two worked actually worked together. I, personally, believe that dating your coworkers is lazy and will only end in disaster, but these two decided to one-up me and actually get married.

But that’s not the worst part.

After working with him on several projects, Ms. Wedel learned through the office buzz that he had a girlfriend, so romance seemed out of the question.

By then she was returning to the dating pool and had met a few men on Tinder, though nothing had clicked.

About a month after meeting Mr. Perez, she was surprised to see him pop up on Tinder. She “liked” Mr. Perez, and he “liked” her, meaning they were a match.

But Ms. Wedel was hardly inviting to him the next day at work, instead gently scolding him for him for being on Tinder while he had a girlfriend: “When he told me his relationship had ended, I said, ‘I am so sorry,’ but it was an icebreaker.”

Yeah, Cece. Suuuuuuuure his relationship had ended. Yeah, can’t imagine he was relapsing with his ex after a few too many pops at some Manhattan club. You fell right into this guy’s trap – he matches you on Tinder, you think he has a girlfriend, and then he gets to play the break-up card. Classic Mauricio.

But sure, go ahead Cece. Nothing bad has ever come of a guy being on Tinder while he’s in a relationship. That’s never a red flag. Hope you two have a long relationship (and career) together.

* * *

Always be improving, New York Times Vows. If you don’t, you know I’ll be here to keep you honest.

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Will deFries

Will deFries (@WilldeFries) is the world's foremost authority on Sunday Scaries. Writer, Editor, and Content Manager at Post Grad Problems. Email me at will@grandex.co.

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