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The Most Absurd Things That Happened On The Friday Night Tykes Series Premiere

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For those of you who missed it last night, the Esquire Network (formerly G4) aired what I would assume is the male response to Toddlers & Tiaras, except this show is far more disturbing. Friday Night Tykes chronicles five youth football teams in San Antonio, Texas. Eight and nine year old kids being treated like plebes at the Naval Academy, forced to tears, vomit and humiliation at the hands of insane football dads.

I’m all for toughening kids up and getting rid of the “participation trophy society” stigma, but the way these coaches and parents go about it is completely misguided. The fact that these football coaches are allowed around children is absurd. Through one hour of the show, I couldn’t find a single redeeming quality in any of the head football coaches. It was a constant barrage of these maniacal adult children shouting and screaming into the faces of kids who don’t even know how to multiply and divide yet. Not once did a coach show a player how to properly tackle, the most important thing you can teach a young football player. There wasn’t a single scene in which a coach acted as a role model. Instead, they came off as bullies. Immature psychopaths that were inexplicably put in charge of impressionable, terrified, eight and nine-year-old kids.

The coaches are all psychotic in their own special way. Coach Charles Chavarria is repeatedly seen telling his players to “rip their heads off” in regards to the other team. It’s just one of the many things that were absurd about the premiere of Friday Night Tykes, and you can bet your ass I’ll be watching this heartbreaking trainwreck next week too.

A kid got recruited when he was 3 years old.

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A sports talk show host broadcasting live at league sign ups and predicting favorites to win the championship like it was college football.

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There was a team that was busted for recruiting violations.

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The coach that made a player who missed one practice run sprints until the end of practice.

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The kid missed practice because he was visiting his grandma.

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Coach Chavarria’s ridiculous pregame song that didn’t rhyme or follow any sort of rhythm.

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Coach Chavarria intentionally causing a penalty on the first play of the game to “intimidate” the other team.

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Coach Chavarria crying after his team lost.

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Coach Chavarria in general.

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The fact that these coaches are allowed around children.

You can watch the entire first episode on Esquire Network’s website. Episodes air every Tuesday at 9/8c.

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Brian McGannon

What do I love? I love happy hour, a good golf tan, and getting moderately drunk during dinner.

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