By age 27, I guarantee you’ve Googled “running vs. walking calories” to see if they burn the same amount. Spoiler alert: they don’t. Remember back in college when you could get catatonically drunk, make David Hasselhoff’s cheeseburger video look like a dry wedding reception, yet cure your hangover with a brisk walk and some Chipotle? Unfortunately, the days of maintaining your figure has turned into a war between you and your body. By your late 20s, your metabolism will probably have gone to shit, and you’ll be struggling to fit in 2 workouts a week. 22 year olds, pay attention because below is what you’re about to experience.
Age 22 – “I’m in the best shape of my life.”
At this point, you’re probably right. You’ve just started your new job, have a gym membership, and work out four times a week. Happy Hour? Yeah, what the hell. A beer or two couldn’t hurt.
Age 23 – “Put on a couple of pounds, but no biggie! Actually, the extra weight kind of makes me look a little more buff.”
Right now you’re in the naïve stages of weight gain. You’ve gone from one happy hour a week to three, and cooking? What’s the point? I mean, economically it doesn’t make sense when there’s a Wendy’s dollar menu within walking distance…though I’d better drive just in case.
Age 24 – “Maybe I should switch to Diet Coke? In fact, if I have one Coke per day, that’s 140 calories, times 365 which comes out to 14 pounds”
Congratulations! You’ve now graduated to idiot logic. Shaving off one Coke per day won’t solve your problems. Maybe instead of cutting out that one Coke, try to avoid blacking out and ordering half of Whataburger’s late night menu.
Age 25 – “People really need to lay off Phil Mickelson. His manboobs really aren’t that noticeable.”
At 25, you’re looking for any excuse to avoid working out. 30% chance of rain? Probably shouldn’t risk it. Harold from accounts is leaving? I mean I only met him once but it’d be rude if I missed out on his going away happy hour. WNBA preseason game tonight? I promised my bookie I’d watch it with him.
Age 26 – “I’m just going to walk the trail today.”
At this point, you’ve finally admitted it. You’re in miserable shape. Running seems like a ridiculous idea, but walking still has its appeal. The social kickball league you joined hasn’t done the trick since you pretty much just drink the entire time. After walking up 3 flights of stairs you wait before entering your office to catch your breath so you don’t sound like Rosie O’Donnell after running a 5K.
Age 27 – “I think it’s just an old sports injury from high school.”
Since when did gout become an old sports injury? Sitting in an office is terrible for you, and it really does get harder throughout your 20s. Try to avoid thinking “but I’ve always heard girls like chubby guys.” Nobody wanted to fuck Turtle from Entourage. The good news is, as a last resort there’s always cocaine and bulimia, and at least one of those things is WAY more fun than working out.