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The Last Time I Did Each Of The Things You’re Definitely Not Supposed To Do At Weddings

The Last Time I Did Each Of The Things You're Definitely Not Supposed To Do At A Wedding

We break this list down and more on the latest episode of Touching Base, which you can listen to on iTunes and SoundCloud.

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You’re not going to throw a perfect game every time you step out on the mound. That’s just a fact of life. And with any wedding season, there are going to be hiccups that range from small blips on the radar to having to text your buddy “sorry” the next day before the Sunday wedding brunch.

Needless to say, I’ve had my fair share of hiccups, shattered glasses, and mistakenly introducing myself to the bride’s dad when I thought he was just a random old dude. But consumate professionals take those mistakes, learn from them, and get better moving forward.

Per Brides, these are the worst things you can do at a wedding. And per my vague and blurry memory, these are the last times I’ve done such things.

Forget To RSVP
June, 2015.

It’s not that I forgot to RSVP. It’s more that I just assumed they knew I was coming considering the conversations leading up to the actual wedding. But the second I got the text, “Hey, you coming to my wedding or what?” I knew I had made a huge mistake.

Whether you’re in the wedding, a relative of the groom, or a fringe friend who’s turning down the invite, make the bride’s job easy and just RSVP. And I’m not talking “send them a text” RSVPing. I’m talking “put a stamp on the damn envelope and putting it in your mailbox.” Yeah, it’s a bitch, but they’re paying for you to eat and drink for free all night so the least you can do is let them know whether or not you’re going to show face.

Show Up Late
August, 2015.

The worst thing a couple can do is schedule their reception more than a fifteen-minute drive from where they’re actually getting married. Hell, if it’s not within walking distance, chances are people are going to either skip or, at the very least, not be on time for everything scheduled.

Case in point: Fort Worth, Texas. I walked into the wedding venue five minutes after the designated time on the program. From afar, I saw the eyes of my girlfriend screaming at me. “Why the fuck are you so late?” they said. “Are you seriously walking in this late?”

People make mistakes. And I’m not talking about myself in this situation. What I did was completely excusable because everyone should’ve been thankful I was even sober enough to drive myself to a 6 p.m. start time. I’m talking about the bride and groom who put their ceremony in a different area code. That’s on them.

Don’t Show Up at All
October, 2015.

People joke about not scheduling weddings during football season because most guys won’t show up. And, yes, I’m the scumbag who didn’t show up to a wedding after indulging a little too much.

Half the weddings I go to these days are for people that I wouldn’t recognize on the street, let alone even know their name. If I even get a whiff of someone saying, “Maybe we don’t even need to go,” I’m pretty much kicking my feet up until someone hands me my dry-cleaned suit and tells me that we’re actually going. And if I spend the entire morning at the State Fair of Texas drinking Shiners before the Red River Shootout, you can bet your ass that a wedding is second on my list in terms of things I want to be doing that day.

Unfortunately, this was a seated wedding where there happened to be two nametags leftover on the table rather than buffet, seat-yourself style. Oops.

Wear White
N/A. because no one wears white suits besides high schoolers and club promoters.

I attended a wedding two weeks ago where two different women wore all white everything to the wedding and reception. Not one, but two. And these weren’t “college friends throwing shade at their sorority sister who they hated” women. These were “I’ve been to probably a hundred weddings in my life and should know better” women.

There are two tried and true rules for weddings that one must not break – 1. Never wear white. 2. Never order the fish. Outside of that, you can pretty much do anything and you’ll fly under the bride and groom’s radar given that they’re too busy mingling with third cousins once-removed rather than actually enjoying themselves on the biggest day of their lives.

Disrespect The Staff
April, 2016.

“Please do not bring your cocktail glasses on the dance floor,” he said. “They’re going to break,” he said.

You never think it’s going to happen to you. But then you start convincing the bartender to pour you straight tequila-on-ice because the bride’s father has explicitly said, “no shots,” and all of the sudden the wedding band’s lead singer is asking people to step away from the dance floor to make sure the shards of glass are picked up.

Sure, it’s not outright disrespect, but disobeying their orders may be worse than yelling at them for not pouring you shots. After all, they’re just looking out for everyone’s best interests (and the bare feet of the bridesmaids who can’t stand in their shoes any longer).

Get Trashed
Literally every wedding ever. Except maybe, like, one.

Get off your high horse, Brides.com.

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With Wedding Season in full swing, the guys break down the faux pas of attending weddings. From not RSVPing to getting obliterated, they give their takes and personal experiences. After a little talk about the return of The Wall, they discuss Kanye allegedly recording his new album while holed up on a mountaintop in Wyoming.

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[via Brides]

Image via Dan Stewart Photography

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Will deFries

Will deFries (Twitter / Instagram) is a Senior Writer at Grandex and the world's foremost authority on Sunday Scaries. Email me at will@grandex.co.

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