It is that time of year. You’ve just received a meeting request for your yearly review.
Thanks, boss. I was planning on finishing this episode, brushing my teeth, bangin’ it out and falling asleep. But there is no way I’m getting it up now because “fear boners” are real things and now I am going to be tossing and turning all night thinking of ways to convince you I’m ready for that promotion.
Sure my work speaks for itself, but obviously not loud enough. Because I have to sit, locked in a stifling conference room for the better part of an hour, self-evaluating myself with you. As I break out into a nervous sweat, I have to answer foolish questions on a scale of 1-3 about my performance, client interaction, communication etc. Really? A scale of 1-3? How the hell will those results yield any useful information? At least go 1-5.
Were you not there during our interview? I am an introvert to the core. I hate talking to people. Can we do this over email so I can hide behind my keyboard? No amount of water will be able to counteract the Mojave Desert that is my cotton mouth as I spew verbal diarrhea in attempt to put together a half intelligent answer to these terribly vague questions. What’s worse is that this whole thing is centered around me. Talking about one’s self is one of the most uncomfortable experiences life has to offer. It ranks right up there with talking to the cops, first dates and shitting in publics bathrooms. I may actually throw up this time. But luckily you’ve prepared me for the evaluation as you were so kind to attach the evaluation questionnaire. Let’s see what we have here:
“Amount of quality work performed as required for the job.”
Is this implying I could have been submitting a certain allowable percentage of half-assed work? Why did no one tell me this? I’ve put out my A-game 100% of the time. 3.
“Easily adapts to changes in the workplace, requirements, schedule, and priorities.”
No. I do not. I stress the fuck out when things don’t go as planned or when a routine is broken. As such, I like to plan everything out. So help me if some chump throws a wrench into it, though. I’ll still give myself a 2 though.
“Arrives to work on time, works on days scheduled, and requests time off with sufficient advance notice.”
I am prideful in my punctuality. Meatball. 3.
“Goes out of their way to satisfy clients.”
Hey, whatever it takes to get ahead. 3.
“Displays politeness to the client; always says thank you, please, and speaks in a polite tone and manner.”
Of course, I’m not a fucking caveman. 2.
“The ability to influence others through communication (verbal, written, illustrative, etc.).”
Tough break. You had to throw verbal in there. 2/3 ain’t bad.
“Ability to influence readers through creative writing resulting in a change in perception of value, urgency, quality, or other abstract qualities.”
Read as “How good are you at talking out your ass?” I’m still working on my bullshitting technique. 2.
“Works well with co-workers, respects others, and has the respect of others.”
I’m an easy going guy, a great team player. Except you, bitchy secretary. Stop complaining about your job. You answer the phone and order k-cups. Come on now… 3.
“Works well with clients resulting in established and committed relationships with the clients.”
This was covered in a previous question. So Yes. 3. I hate having to repeat myself.
Hmmm. Not too shabby.
Oh, what’s this? You want to discuss goals? The answer is, I don’t have an answer. Maybe a one-year goal is reasonable. But you want five- and ten-year goals? Are you nuts? I’m 25 years old. I don’t know what I want to do with the rest of my life in terms of my career trajectory. No, I am not in love with my job. So if I told you in ten years I would still be here, climbing the ranks of my job family, it would be a lie. It would be a complete suspension of disbelief. A total disregard for my sense of misdirection. Who knows, maybe there is a position for me here. It’s a great company, but maybe the job itself just isn’t for me. Without that being said, I’m hoping to be licensed and step into project management within 5 years, sir.
I wish you had waited ’til morning to request this though, because I’m feeling CONFIDENT right now. But she’s already asleep. .