Like any bitter, old person from a bygone generation, we believe that they just don’t build ’em like they used to–and by ’em, I mean sex symbols, the beautiful women from our generation’s favorite TV shows, movies, music acts, and so on. I don’t know what it is. Maybe they have too many issues, or maybe they’re just too overexposed thanks to social media, or maybe I’m just not the proper age demographic, but I just don’t see the appeal. Miley Cyrus, you can keep. Demi Lovato? Too much crazy to outweigh the hotness, and she annoyed me as a judge on “The X Factor.” Taylor Swift is gorgeous, but she’s got 10 pounds of crazy in a five pound bag. Anna Kendrick…okay. She’s the exception because she sets my soul a-flutter and makes my heart sing in a way that very few others can accomplish. But other than Ms. Kendrick, the heartthrobs and idols of today can’t hold a candle to the dream girls of our generation.
Emmanuelle Chriqui – Sloan from “Entourage”
Now Sloan was a woman who could launch 1,000 ships. She made short, Irish pizza spinners turned marginally successful talent managers from Queens think that they could end up with the princess. Her on-again, off-again relationship with E made us scream at our televisions–how could such a man let a goddess on Earth go? She’s beautiful, smart, her dad was richer than God, and she was down for threesomes with Malin Ackerman. Also, she was really hot in “You Don’t Mess With The Zohan.” In short, she might be the perfect woman…just don’t attempt #buttstuff with her.
Melissa Joan Hart circa “Sabrina, the Teenage Witch”
There were two reasons why preteen boys all over America tuned in for ABC’s TGIF block I’m the mid ’90s, and neither of them were the witty banter between Caroline Rhea, Beth Broderick, and Salem the cat. One of the reasons was the title character of the sitcom herself, Sabrina, in all her teenage, witchy glory (we’ll get to the second reason later, trust me). Not only was Sabrina adorably perky, but she could perform incredibly complex magic. She messed it up all the time, but I’m sure after a while she could do useful stuff, like magic up post-sex snacks, or…well, that’s all I can think of. I’m hungry.
The Spice Girls
All five of them. All of the Spice Girls. All at once. Because fuck it, that’s why. Each of them had their redeeming qualities: Sporty was cute and fun, Scary became exceptionally hot as a judge on “America’s Got Talent,” Posh is the hot girl who would sexually humiliate you but you’d love every minute of it, Baby had pigtails (nuff said) and Ginger, well, nobody looked better in a Union Jack bodycon dress than her. Seriously, “Spice World” on mute is one of the best experiences on Earth…but turn it back on when they perform “Spice Up Your Life.” The plot was garbage, but that music was catchy as fuck.
Minka Kelly – Lyla Garrity from “Friday Night Lights”
Before she was Jeter’s girlfriend, she was Jason Street’s #1 girl. Then she was his fiancée. Then she wasn’t. Then she was Tim Riggins’ girlfriend. Then she wasn’t. Then she was again. Then she was a born-again Christian? I don’t remember. I watched that entire show in like two weeks during a breakup in college. But you have to remember that gorgeous smile and supposed down-home, girl-next-door sensibility with that wicked look in her eye that told you that she was just an absolute freak in the sheets. She’s a goddess on Earth.
Danica McKellar – Gwendolyn “Winnie” Cooper from “The Wonder Years”
I have to be careful with this one because yes, we were all in love with her when she was younger, but I want to emphasize that she’s hot NOW, as an adult. Frankly, I’m not sure where the crush came from. We were introduced to Winnie Cooper when we were young, and she kind of represented the girl we always wanted to date as a kid, while we were kids. But then the show went off the air and she disappeared for a while. Then she came back looking super fucking hot and being good at math. So I’d say she’s one of the crushes who got much better with age.
Danielle Fishel – Topanga Lawrence from “Boy Meets World”
And now we’ve come to the other reason why preteen boys were obsessed with ABC’s TGIF block: Topanga. The ultimate crush. When we met Topanga, we were middle schoolers. She was the smart, cute outsider girl who we didn’t know what to make of, so we insulted her to get her attention. Then our best friend wanted her and we learned the ultimate lesson of never choosing a girl over friends. But then we got to high school and we were still in love with her. Then we went to college, got engaged and married, and lived our lives together. The perfect relationship we all dreamed of but NONE OF US EVER EXPERIENCED. Now you can see Topanga on the Disney Channel spin-off of “BMW,” and she’s still smoking hot and too good for Ben Savage–but we’ll always remember the girl who stole our hearts all those years ago.
So take that, kids. Miley can twerk all over as many aging pop stars as she wants, but I’d take Topanga over 10 Mileys any day.