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The Hater’s Guide To Going To The Gym

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Ah, the New Year is upon us, and with that comes New Year’s Resolutions. Provided you don’t live under a rock, you’ve noticed that all 18 of your Facebook friends have posted something involving #NewYearNewMe or something stupid like that. One of the more obvious places you’ll notice these try-hards ruining your day is in the gym. This really convenient influx of #fitlife groupies ensures that you’re over-exposed to one of my biggest pet peeves: women’s “athletic gear.”

As I’m sure you’ve inferred, I disdain the LuLu gym takeover as much I disdain losing to the JV heroes in city-league dodgeball, which unfortunately happens more frequently than never. But, since I am obviously a just and rational 23-year-old woman, I have broken down my loathing into the following reasons/ counter arguments:

“They keep my muscles warm/prevent injury.”

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Counter Argument:
First and foremost, you probably don’t know what muscles are. Let’s say, on the off chance that you didn’t sleep through anatomy sophomore year or you remember where your quad muscle is located because of that time the hot trainer at your country club had to rub out a minor “cramp” during your tennis lesson, you do know what a muscle is. It is true that wearing compression gear can help keep muscles warm and therefore prevent certain injuries. Huzzah! for your realization. Except wait, you’ve never gone over 6.0 on the treadmill. And it’s been scientifically proven that you can’t injure yourself on the elliptical, it’s like the water aerobics class of cardio equipment. It doesn’t happen. You are, in all likelihood, not trying hard enough to actually utilize the beneficial aspects of compression gear.

“Sweat-wicking Nano-Active Thermal Counter-Balance Equal Homeostasis Technology”

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Counter Argument:
For reasons similar to above, you don’t sweat. Irrelevant.

“Having a nice outfit inspires me to go to the gym.”

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Counter Argument:
Uhhhh, if a piece of clothing is your inspiration for a mildly elevated heart rate, then you’re about mentally on par with the creepo dude who is walking around Victoria’s Secret alone in search of some unmentionables for his doll wife.

To be checked out by dudes

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Counter argument:
I can almost guarantee you that the only men you’ll attract in a gym because you decided to wear such attire are the ones who wear lifting gloves and sweatpants at the same time. They also happen to be the ones you’ll spot taking “shirt-up,-abs-out” mirror selfie for Tinder in the middle of their ‘intense swole session.” Remember, friends don’t let friends skip leg day, and a guy in sweats at the gym clearly has something to hide, even though his bulge is visible. Sure, maybe you’ll attract some relatively normal people once every six neon tanks you wear at the gym, but chances are a lot slimmer than your thighs that he’ll actually approach you. Girls in outrageously over-priced work out gear (and ladies, even guys know how expensive Lulu is) don’t exactly scream “approachable”. Also of note is the fact that there is no writing on these pieces of clothing. Wear a T-Shirt (I’m sorry if that word offended some readers) with a former team/event/joke on it and it’s been proven in clinical studies that you’d be approached 88 times more than in your TOFTB tank. I mean, I got approached at least twice by the same old toothless dude about the school I went to and it was utterly pleasant.

Spare the rest of us. As few as there may be who want to go to the gym for reasons related to self-improvement, we’re actually here for a reason. Sure it’s a social place and as with all social spaces, presentation is very important to every human, but be aware that you’re in a gym. A sweat box. The majority of the people there want to sweat, and push themselves, and be tired at the end of it. They don’t want to worry about how they look, what people think of them, or concealing the half chub your ass is giving them. Long live the gym short.

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Mary Swanson

Both a bitter and optimistic 24-year-old entry-level underachiever with 2-4 friends and 0 talents. Washed up is an understatement. I prefer almost all my food luke-warm, what does that say about me?

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