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The Guy Calling Himself “Wolf” Emailed Us A SWOT Analysis For A Job We Definitely Didn’t Offer Him

The Guy Calling Himself

A while back, we received a completely unsolicited email from some Kid Rock loving dude who goes by “The Wolf.” He wanted to work for us, but only on his terms. Despite being less than qualified (at best) for the Android app developer position we had posted at the time, The Wolf’s confidence was endearing. The guy’s a damn salesman.

Well, as I stepped into my inbox for the first time in 2017, I was greeted by something truly surprising: A “Swot Analysis of working for Grandex full time.” Please keep in mind that, again, we did not ask for this. He never even interviewed for a job. I don’t know this guy. He’s certainly not the Fuckin Wolf, but he’s a straight shooter which we all respect. Let’s take a look at this.

After I sent my resume Grandex to work as a part time freelance programmer I didn’t quite get the response I was looking for. Dave kindly responded and wrote an article on it notably saying ” Ok, so the guy doesn’t want to relocate for a position that’s in-house? Austin’s crowded, so I kind of understand where he’s coming from.” It was obvious that he wanted me to move to Austin to work for Grandex full time even though a comment on my slight lack of experience may have been made. While I am flattered, this would be a big lifestyle change for me so I need to look at this from every angle. I decided to analyze this the way I would analyze any big decision. I was going to have to Swot it out.

No. Big no, Wolf. It wasn’t obvious.

Strengths:

-David Ruff
Working alongside someone with a network so large and so respected is just going to be opening doors for me left and right.

-Company Culture
From what I’ve heard from the Grandex Podcasts and have just assumed from the content on the sites, that office is probably a pretty fun place to be. Definitely more laid back than my current job at the very least.

-Man Outfitters Employee Discount.
I’d love to experiment with my wardrobe and the best way to do that is by lowering my risk of buyers remorse by getting awesome clothes for dirt cheap.

Wolf, you may as well just come out and say you want to use us as a stepping stone. We aren’t the University of Houston, dammit. We want someone who’s here for the long haul. But thank you for acknowledging the network. #dco

Weaknesses

-Producer Micah
I usually give people the benefit of the doubt but I can’t see myself getting along with this guy. I can’t think of one time I’ve agreed with something this guy has said on the mic. Between him thinking uber should move out of Austin because he promotes more government regulation, to him getting angry at people at Karaoke bars because they’re just trying to have fun. I just prefer to be around a different type of person.

-Austin vs West Palm
West Palm Beach is just an amazing place to live. Say what you want about Florida, but most of you have probably vacationed here and not thought “I can’t wait to get home this place is awful” but hatters gonna hate. Out of everywhere I’ve lived, WPB is by far the nicest. I literally never have to wear a long sleeve shirt, the only warm clothes I have are tucked away up north for when I visit my family. I could fill a book with the reasons WPB is a better fit for me than Austin, but I’m not going to sit here and rip into another city.

-Losing the Squad
Obviously I have a lot of friends down here. Not going to be easy to leave them all behind.

Lobbing grenades at current employees. Bold to say the least. As far as West Palm v. Austin goes, I’ll take your word for it. We’ve probably had 5 days of what I’d call wintery weather (temp below 40), but I’m a big fan of winter gear. That Man Outfitters discount is huge for fall and winter. Anybody can look good in the summer, but the real bosses come out during fleece season.

Opportunities

-Appearances on touching base
I feel as though I have a lot to offer the people of the world. I’d like to make the world a better place by pushing my agenda on as many receptive ears as possible. The best outlet for this would obviously be on one of the world’s best podcasts. If I work at Grandex I’m sure they’d eventually want me on there to keep the people entertained and informed.

-New Squad
While I love my current squad, they’re all cuffing up. That’s not my style, and moving to a new city gives me the opportunity to meet new people and have a new solid group of people to go out with.

-New tinder matches
I don’t know what goes on with tinder’s algorithm, but whenever I go to visit a new city I get hella matches. I don’t know if I’ve just blown through most of tinder’s offerings in West Palm, or I’m just not as good looking and rich as the other people on tinder down here. But there may be an opportunity for growth in Austin.

Not likely. TB appearances are earned, not given. You talk a mean game over email, but that doesn’t mean shit once we put a mic in front of you. With that being said, feel free to leave us a message on the hotline 1(800)-836-0235. Let’s see what you got.

New squad? It’s Austin. Not hard to find similarly situated folks. And Tinder? Bumble’s where it’s at. I know from experience, dude, if you know what I mean. Well, not me personally since I’m married, but a guy I know…

Threats

-Pay
Don’t mean to be a cocky asshole, but I’m pretty confident I’d need to take a paycut to move out there. Considering I’d be leaving a position in which I have a lot of experience moving to one where I have way less.

-More people like Micah
I can’t help but be worried about this. If Grandex would hire one Micah there’s a chance that they would hire more people like him. Not only does this mean I’d have to work with more people like him, it seriously makes you wonder about what other questionable decisions the top dogs at Grandex may be making.

-Terrorism
Terrorism is our country’s biggest threat. I’d be doing this country a great disservice by not including it in here. While this threat isn’t specific to this decision, I am a strong believer that it should still be listed in every SWOT analysis. We all have to be on the lookout constantly, stay woke.

Micah just getting roasted here. He spends most of his time in his hamster cage on the other end of the complex, so most people rarely see the guy. But hey- thanks for big timing us on the salary, Wolf. Must be nice.

This was a lot to digest, and I’ve made a decision. Although the strengths and opportunities of a job at Grandex are palpable, unfortunately I have to deny your gracious offer of full time on site employment.

I know this is hard for you to read, but just know that my heart is heavy with this decision as well. Right now I just love my life too much to move on to a new chapter. Unless someone tries to add a fig to my salary, I plan on staying in west palm for the foreseeable future. Fell free to hit me up if you’re ever rolling through town, I hope there are no hard feelings.

-TheWolfofWestPalm

I hope rejecting job offers that were never actually made becomes a thing. Shoutout to The Wolf of West Palm for turning down an imaginary offer 6 months after reaching out to us. Don’t forget to leave us a message on the official hotline. Ball’s in your court.

Image via Shutterstock

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Dave

Lawyer. Writer. Dude doing business. I'm the meatloaf guy from tv.

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